2 weeks

Yesterday has been two weeks since my Mom passed away. It is hard to write about because I really don't know where to begin. I have written about my mom here and here. She hadn't been the Mom I knew for a while but she was still the most important woman in my life. Her passing was a sad and terribly hard thing to see but was also a beautiful blessing.

Mom was back in the hospital for pneumonia yet again. At first I couldn't bring myself to go see her. As selfish as this sounds, I did not want to see my mom so sick again. But then on April 12th (my birthday) I just had to go see her. The nurses had given her some medication that made her sleep. My understanding is what they had given her was to help her not struggle to breath so much but it also knocked her out. I spent an hour or more just talking to her, holding her hand and crying. I wanted her to know that it was ok to let go, to go to heaven where she would not be in pain and with her sisters, mom and dad, and my brother Gary.

When I left the hospital I really lost it. No more holding it together. I talked to my sister Gia and really did not know what to say. Was Mom dying? Should she come home? I really didn't have the answers but I knew I was scared.

The next day (Tuesday, April 13th) I talk to Gia in the morning. She had talked to the palliative care nurse who suggested she get home as soon as possible. I then get a sitter and head up to the hospital. Mom was struggling to breath and couldn't stay awake but she was talking and asking for water. Later that day, after talking to the palliative care nurse, we decide to stop the antibiotics and IV fluids and move her to the suite. We knew it was only a matter of days, so we make plans for my other siblings to get up to the hospital the next day to see her. I head home to spend some much needed mental health time with my boys. I think I was gone 2 to 3 hours.

When I get back to the hospital and walk into the suite, I knew it was going to happen sooner. Mom had really declined in those 3 hours. Her breathing had changed and she couldn't wake up. One of the nurses told my sister-in-law that she would be surprised if she made it though the night. Something I already knew.

We take turns sitting with her, holding her hands, rubbing her hair, and telling her its ok to let go, to stop fighting.

My sister Ellen and I are sitting on either side of her. I couldn't leave her side and let go of her hand. The tears flow again and Ellen asks "Is this too hard on you?" I answer through falling tears "Yes". But I couldn't leave. It was too hard but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Right around 8:00 pm her breathing really changes. I can't remember if I said it out loud or just in my head "This is it...she is going!" All the others (Brenda, Ronny, Gia and Kathi) join Ellen and I at her side. The next few minutes she takes her last breaths. After a couple of last gasps, that surprised and scared us, Mom took her last breath and then this peace comes over her. It was the worst moment of my life but also the most blessed moment. I cried out "She's gone!" and break down into a puddle of tears (as did everyone else). At that moment God came and took Moms hand to guide her to heaven. The peace that came over her face was indescribable. It was beautiful.

Through tears and cries we all call loved ones that need to be told. My husband and my niece Kate come right up. We all sit there in the suite and cry, laugh, hold Mom's hand, tell stories, and work on her obituary. I think we spend about 2 hours in there with Mom and each other. We waited until the funeral home came to get her body. Saying goodbye to her at that moment was just as hard as seeing her die. Thank God, Ray was the one to pick her up. We know he took good care of her.

I could write more about the days that follow but this post is as emotionally draining as I can take right now.

Until I see you again in heaven...I love you Mom!

Mom

Yesterday was emotionally draining. I spent the better part of the day at the ER with my mom. Not that it was physically demanding, really I was just sitting there, but to see her so old and frail, tired and worn out, it was just another reality that my wonderful mom is passing away.

My sister called to tell me Mom was transferred from the nursing home to the ER. She couldn't make it up there and was worried that they might put her on a ventilator (something my Mom really does not want). Hearing that of course I think that she is very bad off, and I offer to go there to be with Mom and make sure the Drs don't do anything she doesn't want. I get a little teary telling my husband Jonny what is going on but hold it together. All the way to the hospital I am thinking..."this could be it. I could be the one making it possible for my mom to die". From what the nursing home had said my Mom could not breath and her O2 stats were very low. Of course I was not expecting her to be sitting up in the bed talking to the nurses when I walked in the ER room. Happy that she was...yes...relieved...very! They had her on some oxygen and she was doing very well. After the chest x-ray confirmed that it was pneumonia they gave her a diuretic and she started breathing better and her O2 stats went back up without the oxygen.

After sitting there and watching her Stats for about an hour they decide to send her back to the nursing home...Good. Better for her to be there rather than in the hospital. What made me upset was that the EMT's bring her in and place her back in her bed and no nurse is around to make sure she is all set, in need of anything, or even to help the EMT's (who, by the way, are fantastic!). I came in and my poor mom is wrapped up like a mummy in three blankets and looks at me with her weary eyes and says "I really have to pee!" Do you think I could get a nurse to come to her room? Nope! I rang the bell on her bed and then the little old lady next to her kept asking me to bring her to the bathroom. So, I rang her bell...still nothing...now the both of them are really needing to go to the bathroom. I walk down the hall to the nurses station. Three of them are standing around, chit chatting (about what I am not sure, it could have been a patient). I inform them that 2 ladies have to use the bathroom pretty badly, could we get some help. Instead of one of them coming to help, they look around for a LNA. Is it beneath a RN to bring people to the bathroom?! God I hope they don't think that way, especially working in a nursing home.

Cheated

Yesterday was a very hard day. I am sure part of it is my hormones and part is the kids are bored from being on vacation for two weeks. But I really lost it yesterday evening. I had listened to the boys fight, Griffin whine and cry and Zachy scream and cry all day. As I was trying to talk to Jonny's mom on the phone Zachy was screaming (for what appears to be no reason at all), fighting me the whole time that I was trying to feed him dinner, and then screaming and kicking when I was changing him. Griffin was being needy, just whining and complaining that he wants this, needs that and "nobody likes me" (which is becoming his phrase when he is not getting his way) while Jonny was in the living room watching hockey. Finally, I was over the edge! I had to set Zachy down and walk away. I went upstairs to my room and hid. As I lay on my bed in tears, all I wanted was my mom. Now, I haven't been that way in a long time. My mom is elderly and sick. She hasn't been able to be the Grandma to my kids the way she was with my nieces and nephews. I longed to have her be able to take my kids for a few hours, the way she used to with my sisters kids. If she was healthy and younger, I wouldn't be so stressed all the time. I would have her there to help me. When my sisters needed a break or just wanted to go to the store alone they would drop their kids off with my mom. Nothing was ever more important to my mother than her kids and grand kids. Her house may not have been spotless or her laundry done, but the kids were happy, fed, and entertained. I feel cheated that I don't have her in the way my sisters did. She would never say she was too busy to have the kids, or that she couldn't take them. Everyone was always at her house. There was always 5 to 7 kids running around and then someone would call or stop by and there would be more kids. That was just the way it was, and I am very jealous I don't have that luxury. I can't even call her to cry to her. My moms mind is gone, she has dementia. Half the time she thinks I am my sister Ellen. What I wouldn't give to have my mom the way my sisters had her. I guess I haven't mourned the loss of what my mom used to be. It is very hard to lose her mentally and then have to think about losing her physically also.