Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Yesterday was a very hard day. I am sure part of it is my hormones and part is the kids are bored from being on vacation for two weeks. But I really lost it yesterday evening. I had listened to the boys fight, Griffin whine and cry and Zachy scream and cry all day. As I was trying to talk to Jonny's mom on the phone Zachy was screaming (for what appears to be no reason at all), fighting me the whole time that I was trying to feed him dinner, and then screaming and kicking when I was changing him. Griffin was being needy, just whining and complaining that he wants this, needs that and "nobody likes me" (which is becoming his phrase when he is not getting his way) while Jonny was in the living room watching hockey. Finally, I was over the edge! I had to set Zachy down and walk away. I went upstairs to my room and hid. As I lay on my bed in tears, all I wanted was my mom. Now, I haven't been that way in a long time. My mom is elderly and sick. She hasn't been able to be the Grandma to my kids the way she was with my nieces and nephews. I longed to have her be able to take my kids for a few hours, the way she used to with my sisters kids. If she was healthy and younger, I wouldn't be so stressed all the time. I would have her there to help me. When my sisters needed a break or just wanted to go to the store alone they would drop their kids off with my mom. Nothing was ever more important to my mother than her kids and grand kids. Her house may not have been spotless or her laundry done, but the kids were happy, fed, and entertained. I feel cheated that I don't have her in the way my sisters did. She would never say she was too busy to have the kids, or that she couldn't take them. Everyone was always at her house. There was always 5 to 7 kids running around and then someone would call or stop by and there would be more kids. That was just the way it was, and I am very jealous I don't have that luxury. I can't even call her to cry to her. My moms mind is gone, she has dementia. Half the time she thinks I am my sister Ellen. What I wouldn't give to have my mom the way my sisters had her. I guess I haven't mourned the loss of what my mom used to be. It is very hard to lose her mentally and then have to think about losing her physically also.