Holidays and Horrible days

I do love the holidays. The music, the lights, the excitement...but then some of these days turn just horrible. Really, I have been having a hard time at home with my kids and husband. Most days, one if not more of us are so miserable it turns the whole family into grumpy Guss'. Understandably, the kids get over stimulated, Jonny is on edge because of money and I just am a miserable person (apparently). Some people feel that way about me. I usually feel like I am a good natured person...

On to other news...The kids are growing by leaps and bounds. Ryan needed a little help with reading and spelling so he has been in a tutoring program at his school. It seems to have helped but his teacher would like him to do one more session. I am torn about it...He is at school from 9 am to 4:30 pm on the days he has Academy (M, T, W). I notice the on Wednesday he is a little grumpy and worn out. Is that worth it if it is getting the help he needs so that he doesn't struggle in school...Probably. Ryan has also been having a really hard time with not getting his own way and everything being "unfair" to him. I am not sure where this is all coming from but I will keep working on it with him.
Griffin is just Griffin. He loves school, his friends, and his trucks. Griffin has this love of trucks that I have never seen before. He will sit at the table and drive his little trucks around, loading and unloading for hours. He has his little quirks...he whines all the time and is very sensitive about being physically hurt and getting his feeling hurt. But overall he just goes with the flow.
Zachy of course is still the little devil. I swear he has horns growing. He can be sweet and funny and loving, but then will turn around and do something that he knows is wrong. He does naughty stuff all day long. From getting into the dog food or toilet to climbing on the table and pushing every button in our house. He is also going through this temper tantrum stage. When he gets mad he will throw himself on the floor and/or bang his head on anything near him. We have started using time outs which work for now.

Summer ends

As Summer winds down the kids head off to school. Ryan is in the middle of his forth week as a first grader. I can't believe he is 7 years old! It blows my mind how fast time flies.


First day of Kindergarten last year



First day of First grade this year


Ryan was not ready to go back to school...Although now that he is there he is having a great time. We have started the 7:00pm bed time so he is usually up and out of bed before we are. He is buying hot lunch at school and riding the bus in the morning. All this shows me how he is growing up. Not to long ago he would cry because we woke him up, cry because he had to take the bus to school and cry when I wanted him to buy hot lunch. We still have our battles (clothes are still an issue) but overall getting up and heading to school is smooth.

Griffin has had his first day of Pre-K at Grace Church. Griffin has always been easier than Ryan when it comes to separation so we don't think this year will be any different. He loves school, loves his friends and his teachers. I am usually at church once every other week for a woman's group we have. Griffin loves that I am there and he feels at home walking into the church and school rooms.





And then there is Zachary. Did I tell you that I have found two gray hairs in the last couple of weeks. Yup, Zachy is giving me gray hair. He is such a little devil...he thinks everything is funny. Luckily he is cute...or I would give him away.




On my end...I have decided to teach Sunday School...I know...How does someone that knows so little about the bible and religion teach it. Well, I am going to be learning right a long with the kids. This something I want and need to do. I think for me and the boys it will be a great opportunity.

On Jonny's end...I hope and pray he finds something. A hobby, friends, a plan for his future. Sometimes I worry that he isn't happy in his life. Not so much me and the boys but his life in general. I would love to share in my love of God and the church and church community but he seems reluctant to give it a try. My feelings are that if he attends some of the church events he may really like the people and have a good time. I am not asking him to believe and love God if he doesn't but that does not mean he can't come to the church outings with us.

In a nut shell (or in our case in the nut house) everyone is growing up, growing spiritually, and growing closer to each other. Some days are better than others but we love each other and would not change anything.

Grudges, Guilt and Forgiveness

Once a upon a time in a land...oh screw it my life is no fairytale...Back in my early 20's, Jonny and I had a couple of good friends...hell they were our best friends, more like family. A day did not go by without spending time or speaking to these friends. Haley and Brian were not a couple, although spent some time being a couple, but they were always with Jonny and I. We didn't think of it as weird, strange, it was just us. Brian had dinner with Jonny and I every night, when Jonny did not want to go out with me (dancing, drinking, whatever) Brian would go with me. Haley was my best girl friend, she knew and knows my deepest darkest secrets (as did Brian).

What does all this warm and fuzzy crap have to do with grudges, guilt and forgiveness? Well, just before Jonny and I got married (Brian and Haley were to be in our wedding) the four of us had a falling out. I can't even remember exactly how it started but I remember thinking Haley was too hard to be friends with, and Brian did not want me to try to run his life.

We held this grudge for a long time...I gave birth to Ryan and Haley had Alexis and moved to California. Brian was around town we just never took the step to contact him. Flash forward...Haley called and wanted to get together...I took a deep breath and told her sure come on over. We forgave each other for whatever happened in the past and renewed our friendship. For the rest of the next few years we remained friends but none of us contacted Brian...

Then the unthinkable happens...Brian is in a fatal snowmobile accident...Jonny, Haley and I are shocked to the core...tears flow...guilt rages...it is too late for forgiveness...

We attend the wake and funeral, cry with all of his family and friends. I kneel at his casket and look at what was once one of my best friends...and ask through a water fall of tears for his forgiveness. That was 3 years ago...I (Jonny too) carry guilt of not calling Brian before it was too late. The guilt eats at us and still makes me cry at times. Praying helps a little...I pray a lot over this...the Brian I once knew would have forgiven me long ago...he may have before his death but I will never know.
Why am I going on with this sad story? Because I want others to be spared the guilt of holding grudges...you never know when it will be too late for forgiveness.
Jonny has been making me proud in that department. He has been calling his former friends asking that the grudges be laid to rest. Sometimes asking for forgiveness for being an ass and other times just a "hey I have been thinking about you" type of call. He has learned from Brians death...you never know when it will be too late. I too have learned...Haley and I have had rifts but we spent the last couple of days catching up...I forgave a young women from my past that I feel has wronged me. And I try to let go of grudges...before the unthinkable happens again and the guilt eats me up.


We miss you Brian!

Homemade baby wipes

Homemade Baby Wipes

My 3^rd son has such sensitive skin, store bought baby wipes just make him break out in a rash. I found this "recipe" on the internet and found that it works great!

½ roll of Bounty paper towel. Either cut the roll in half and pull out the tube or buy select a size and fold half of the roll.

2 cups warm water

2 tablespoons favorite baby soap

1 tablespoon of baby oil

2 to 4 teaspoons of Tea tree oil.

Mix water, soap and oils together and pour over ½ the roll of Bounty paper towels. Bounty is the only brand that will hold up to this. Then store in an air tight container.

Hi My name is Dawn and I am addicted to...

Survivorman. That is right, I can't get enough of Les Stroud. He is THE Survivorman. The Discovery Science channel has this real reality show called Survivorman. Les is brought out to remote locations by his crew. The crew leaves Les with only what is in his pack, 50lbs worth of recording equipment, and nothing else. Seven days to survive on the land, finding his own food and shelter, and trying not to be killed by the animals. I love watching this show, I can't get enough of it. Sometimes I am grossed out by what Les is having to eat, and the bugs when he was in the jungle, but that doesn't stop my addiction. Just kidding I am not really addicted, I really just love watching this show. It is so real...I mean the network is not going to let him die out there, but he isn't setting himself up to be stung by a killer bee just to see what happens and have his crew save him (like another nature "reality" show). He is really trying to survive the seven days. On one occasion I have seen the crew come in and "rescue" him because of some life threatening storm in that area. But Les was bummed...he wanted to survive the seven days. When you can, check it out...I am sure you will like it.

A Great Book

Let me start off by saying...I struggle with my faith quite frequently. I am very much a believer in God, I pray often, but I am still a work in progress. Which brings me to this post...
The Shack by Wm. Paul Young is a great book to read. I know it has caused controversy in the religious community but I must tell you this book has struck me straight into my soul. I am still reading this book and I can't wait to read it again. As I have been told, you really need to read this book more than once to get everything out of it. As I read I am constantly said "this is just like me". The struggles and questions of faith that the main character has are some that I deal with.
A lot of the issues and answers that this book offers make so much sense to me, I really suggest that everyone read it. Even if you don't struggle with your faith, it is a great book to sit back read and enjoy.

Stop being so picky and be thankful!

After spending some time praying, reading and writing my last post. I realize I need to stop being so picky about the help we receive and be thankful. Sometimes it takes me writing things out and speaking to God to see things clearly.

Yes, I am truly thankful for the help that my MIL give us. She may not take Zachy or babysit him the way I would like, but she does do so much other things. Today for example she has taken the big boys to her house for the day. She did not have to, but I am very happy she did. Zachy was up ever 2 to 3 hours last night leaving me very tired and prone to grumpiness. She comes to our house almost every Saturday morning bringing donuts and bacon. While here she picks up the kitchen and will fold laundry if there is some to be folded (usually there is plenty). Financially she has helped us where she could. For Jon's birthday instead of buying something he really does not need she will pay for a year of life insurance. My MIL does help us in her own ways and for that I am very thankful.
As for my sister...her relationship with her dogs is not for me to judge. I can chose to protect my children and sanity which may mean staying away from her house and still have a relationship with her over the phone or at our house. She will not leave her dogs home alone for very long (if at all) so she just is not an option to watch Zachy here at my house. Instead of being sad I will try to be positive and thankful for the help she did give me with my other two boys.
With the help of Gods grace I will remain positive and not let the sadness and negative thoughts grab hold.

Terribly Sad

Right now I am feeling terribly sad. I have this dilemma that I just don't know how to deal with. Let me start by saying I have never left Zachary with anyone other than family. And when I say family it is just a couple of them. I am not comfortable leaving my children with anyone, I chose to have them so I should not "pawn" them off on other people. I understand that I need to sometimes and it is healthy to leave them with others. Anyway, I have been thinking about bringing the big boys (Ryan and Griffin) to the bowling alley or driving range. Which we know from experience that the bowling alley is no place for Zachy...

I would love to leave him with someone so I can spend so time doing these things with the big boys. They need more of my attention, since Zachy gets so much of it lately.

But the problem is...Courtney (who is my niece that almost always watches Zachy) got a job and will not be available to me. My sister is so obsessed with her dogs she can't seem to keep her mind straight enough to watch the kids. And my MIL is just "too busy".
What makes me so sad about all this, you ask. My sister used to watch my boys a lot. They loved going to her house, but she has taken this strange turn in her life and is so whacked about her dogs it is so uncomfortable to be at her house. The dogs have the "right of way" in the house, to the point that they come out of the pool soaked and jump up on her couch to dry off. This leaves no where for the humans to sit. Not to mention her younger dog, Daia (which is no longer young enough to be considered a puppy) has no manners. I just don't like that Daia is "allowed" to jump on, nip, and slobber all over my baby. My sister never disciplines her and seems to think it is the kids fault that Daia is all over them. To top it all off I don't feel that Zachy would be watched well by my sister because she is so overly concerned about her dogs she may neglect to see a danger. He may wander outside, because the door is always left open for the dogs, and find his way into the pool and she may never notice. I am so sad that my sister puts her dogs before anyone else, not just my boys, but her own grandsons.
Secondly, I am sadden because my mother is so old and ill she can't watch my boys. When she is in her right mind (she has dementia), she would love to have the boys. It kills her that she can't take care of them. When I was young she always had my nephews and nieces over. She babysat for everyone and honestly I don't ever remember her saying she was "too busy" for her grand kids. My MIL on the other hand is more often than not, just too busy to babysit. And when she does babysit it is always will stipulations. We have to be home by this time or she can only do it at her house and it is usually just the older boys. Honestly I don't know if she can handle Zachy. I can't remember the last time she babysat Zachy. I think it may have been when he was 6 weeks old and I was in a wedding. It just makes me so sad because my mom would love to watch them, if only she could.
Now this may seem petty. Like I said it was my choice to have kids so I shouldn't expect people to babysit for me. My MIL has raised her kids, it is not her "duty" to babysit. My sister has every right to choose to put her dogs first priority. And really, it is about time that Courtney has a job. It just makes me so sad that I don't have my mom ready and able to help me, like she was for my sisters and their kids.
I wish I could put aside my issue about strangers watching my children just long enough to get to know someone outside the family. It would certainly make my life a little easier in the long run.

Mommy Confessions

It’s time for The Mommy Confessions again. As moms we all have something that we want…no that we NEED to get off our chests so this is the time to do it. Head on over to Life Starring the Kids and Me to unload your confessions.

Ok...Here I go. I must say I have a lot to confession this week. I missed lasts week confessions and I really could of used it I am sure. But because of the lack of sleep lately I can't remember.

For my first confession:
As mentioned above we have not been getting a lot of sleep lately. Zachy is working on four molars and has been miserable. Tylenol and Motrin haven't been helping, the teething tablets help a little, but he cries a lot in the middle of the night. As a last ditch effort I have him Benadryl the other night to try to make him sleep. And it worked!!! So off and on when we need to get some much needed sleep we give Zachy a little Benadryl.

My Second confession:
Instead of sitting with boys at the kitchen table when it is time for breakfast, I make up a couple of bowls...fruit, dried cereal, some cut up pancakes and set in on the table in the living room so that they can eat when they want. The reason...I am way to tired first thing in the morning to sit at the table and fight with them to eat. So now they eat when they want and I can relax.

Depression

Living with Depression isn't all that fun. Although, with the right medication I can live most days without thinking about it. Every once and a while it sneaks up on me. Without even knowing about it I am being stalked by the ugly black cloud. Sometimes the ugly feelings and anger, that are my symptoms of my depression, are brought on by a couple of things...
1. Lack of sleep, which having three little boys who never slept well to begin with makes it hard to get enough sleep.
2. Forgetting to take my meds. (Yeah I know)
3. Too much of the everyday stress. You know just the hard, messy days that parents have. The children are whiny and fighting, the dog is puking, the house is a mess. After to many days like that, I find myself in an "episode" of depression.
4. The weather. That is something in recent years I started to understand more. I have a hard time in the summer. You might think because of the rain, but I think it is more of the humidity. Since it has been cooler and rainy my depression "episodes" have been less than previous years.
5. PMS...I know you think you have bad mood swings...with depression it is more like a roller coaster.
Even with all these triggers I have to say my depression is pretty well controlled. I am happy with the medication I am on. I take Zoloft before bed and that has been keeping me out of the black hole of depression. Yes, I do feel the cloud coming down on me occasionally, but with the Zoloft I can fight it back. When my shrink thought it might be good to come down on the dose a little, I couldn't fight the cloud away. The depression seeped into my bones and I could not get rid of it. We decided to up the Zoloft again. 100mg is my magic number. Anything less and I can't shake the ugliness anything more and I feel like a zombie.
Now it took me almost 6 years to get to the point that I know what works and what doesn't. I also had to keep track of what was happening around me to know what the triggers are. Sometimes I can't catch the depression from sinking its ugly claws in, but I am getting better about coming out of it and knowing when I need help.

Why am I writing about this. Well, I guess I just want people to know, that with depression like any other disease, you are in the drivers seat. You need to take control of your own healing. No one and no magic pill can make it better, you have to work at it. Maybe not every day, but most days. Sounds a lot like life in general, it is not easy, but it is what you make of it.

Check out Depressions and Bipolar Support Alliance

Leech and things...

It has been so long since my last post. I have had nothing to write about I have a lot to write about, I just can't get it from my brain to my fingers and on to the computer. We have been very busy, there is so much to talk about.

Lets start with our pool. Yes, we have a tacky blue Intex pool. I am not a fan of it being in the yard because it is such an eye sore, but we have to have something for the boys to swim in. They absolutely love it!

My wonderful husband and I worked together on Saturday to get our pool up. We make a pretty good team, I must admit. Although, Jonny did most of the work, I did have a hand in it. And not with just taking pictures. I put some of the pool frame together.

Jonny got in to make sure the floor was wrinkle free. The pool was filling with super cold hose water. I really can't believe how long he stayed in there.

Even though we have our own pool now, we still went to the public pool. Ryan loves to swim in the big pool and go off the diving board. The older boys and I went to Whites (the public pool) while Jonny stayed home with Zachy. We were there for about 1 1/2 hours before the rain came.

On Wednesday my friend Shalene and I took our boys to the Marble Museum. I am not sure if anyone knows but Vermont marble but it is pretty famous. The Museum was very interesting to us adults, but pretty boring for the kids. I would love to go back without children so that I can look and read everything instead of "Keep you hands to yourself" and "Don't touch that" and "Stop running" and "Indoor voices" and all the other phrases and looks that I had to use on the boys. The Museum doesn't not have much (if any) hands on stuff for the kids. With that quick trip under our belt, we headed to a local park for a picnic and wading in the brook.

A then we noticed Ryan had a leech on his foot. I must be becoming a sissy as I get older because I just could not bring myself to pull it off. Luckily for my friend Sharlene, she pulled the little bloodsucker off him.

Mommy Confessions

As mommies we all do things we are not proud of. Mommy Confessions is the place to get all that off our chest and see that we are not alone. Hop on over to Life Starring the Kids and Me to join in.

My confession this week...I make the two older boys be very quiet in the morning so they do not wake the baby. Now that isn't bad but the reason behind that...not because the baby needs to sleep until 9 or 9:30 am but because I am not ready to deal with him. I really want to have my coffee, check my emails and blog news, and get myself together before Zachy is up. Why can't I do that with him up you ask? (well not that you did, but I am going to tell you anyway) Zachy is at this stage/phase or just his attitude (I don't really know), but he does not like me doing anything but paying attention to him. If he sees a cup or food, the computer, cleaning product or anything for that matter in my hand he screams to be picked up. So, unless he is sleeping I can't do anything other than play or hold him. And I really need some morning time without Zachy screaming at me.

Fat Lip...

Yesterday I missed a very exciting Tee ball game. Well I guess I should not say the game was exciting but the warm up before the game.
Zachy and I went to the grocery store instead of going to the game. As we are finishing up the produce section my cell phone rings:

Me: "Hello"

Jonny: "Are you at the store yet?"

Me: "Yes, why? What do you need?"

Jonny: "Ummm...Well, Ryan got hit in the face with the hard ball."

Me calmly: "Oh are you going to the ER?" (we always end up in the ER with Ryan)

Jonny: "No...It is just a fat lip, I was hoping you could bring some ice."

Me: "Sorry, we have already starting filling the cart. Is he ok to play? But do not make him if he doesn't want to."

Jonny: "We will see if he wants to play. I won't make him."

Me: "Ok, see you at home Bye"

Jonny: "Bye"

So Zachy and I finish up, and I call Jonny to see if they still need ice. No he tells me, they are done and headed home. Ryan played the last inning and hit the ball really well and his lip looks better.
Well, when I got home this is what I find...I have to say the pictures don't show how bad it really looked...

Come to find out, Jonny was the one that threw the ball. They were warming up, which means it wasn't the softer Tee Ball ball, it was a real hard baseball. Poor kid! They tell me that the swelling has gone down that it looked much better. What?! He must not have been able to open his mouth. Anyway, on the inside of his lip it is dark purple and has a good cut from his tooth. A little ice and some Motrin and he was feeling much better.
I told him that is what happens when you try to catch a ball with your mouth. He didn't think I was funny.

Montshire with Kate and Derek

Click here to view these pictures larger

Today was a fabulous fun day at the Museum. The Montshire Museum that is. The boys and I went with Kate and Derek to the Montshire yesterday. It is a hands on science museum with an outdoor area and wading pool. There were hiking trails that Ryan, Griff and Derek went on, Kate and I stayed with the baby (because we had the big stroller).
Ryan, Griff and Derek had a great time "playing" with all the air flow experiment things and looking at the fish, turtles and frogs. Actually we all had a great time!! Then we had lunch and headed home. Griffin, Zachy and Derek fell asleep on the way home, so it was a very quiet ride.

Mommy Confessions

As a mommy we do/think a lot of things we may not be proud of and usually won't admit it. That is what Mommy Confessions is for. Head on over to Life Starring the Kids and Me to confess or just read the other Mommy Confessions.



My confession this week...I am so thankful for having all boys. Don't get me wrong, I wanted a girl, really wanted the girl, and most of the time still do. But with the 2 girls I take care of...wooo...I am glad to have boys. The girls are so whiny (my boys whine but nothing compared to the girls), the endless drama, the attitude and all the mentally exhausting traits of the female sex. I really don't know if I could handle it full time.
Some of the things I have heard from the girls:
"You aren't my friend anymore!"
"I don't like you! You are mean!"
"Ewe! I got dirty!" "My shoes are wet!" (While wearing Crocs and standing in a puddle)
Oh the list could go on. The boys on the other hand...Just a good knock down fixes everything, dirt is cool and who cares that my shoes are wet, I am having fun in the puddle. I do love my boys!!