"A Cup Of Comfort"

Today I have consciously taken a step to get myself out of this "funk" I have been in. I am not sure why or what started it...maybe my period, the weather, the let down after the holidays...Whatever the reason I really need to take responsibility to make myself feel better. Knitting has a way of making me happy. It must be something about making, producing, creating with my own hands or I just enjoy it. Either way I have started a knitting project and started to feel the clouds lift. While digging around in my yarn basket I see a book that I bought a while back. Back when I was still wavering about my faith this book kept popping up while I was a TJ Maxx. Everywhere I looked a copy of this book was there. So, thinking "Hey, maybe, just maybe this is a sign from God", so I bought the book. It has been a year or more and I haven't even cracked it open to read the introduction. Today I finally started reading it. With each short chapter the clouds are lifting and I truly am feeling better. The book is wisely called "A Cup of Comfort. Book of Prayers". On the front cover it says "Stories and reflections that bring you closer to God". I am not sure if that is really the case with me but to read these stories from ordinary people and their prayers has done my heart and head a world of good. It has been my Cup of Comfort. And has given me a few thoughts to ponder (which I love) and I can't wait until my dear friend Shar comes over so I can share these pondering thoughts with her. We have some of the greatest conversations about the Lord, our faith, and everything that goes with it.

Depression

Living with Depression isn't all that fun. Although, with the right medication I can live most days without thinking about it. Every once and a while it sneaks up on me. Without even knowing about it I am being stalked by the ugly black cloud. Sometimes the ugly feelings and anger, that are my symptoms of my depression, are brought on by a couple of things...
1. Lack of sleep, which having three little boys who never slept well to begin with makes it hard to get enough sleep.
2. Forgetting to take my meds. (Yeah I know)
3. Too much of the everyday stress. You know just the hard, messy days that parents have. The children are whiny and fighting, the dog is puking, the house is a mess. After to many days like that, I find myself in an "episode" of depression.
4. The weather. That is something in recent years I started to understand more. I have a hard time in the summer. You might think because of the rain, but I think it is more of the humidity. Since it has been cooler and rainy my depression "episodes" have been less than previous years.
5. PMS...I know you think you have bad mood swings...with depression it is more like a roller coaster.
Even with all these triggers I have to say my depression is pretty well controlled. I am happy with the medication I am on. I take Zoloft before bed and that has been keeping me out of the black hole of depression. Yes, I do feel the cloud coming down on me occasionally, but with the Zoloft I can fight it back. When my shrink thought it might be good to come down on the dose a little, I couldn't fight the cloud away. The depression seeped into my bones and I could not get rid of it. We decided to up the Zoloft again. 100mg is my magic number. Anything less and I can't shake the ugliness anything more and I feel like a zombie.
Now it took me almost 6 years to get to the point that I know what works and what doesn't. I also had to keep track of what was happening around me to know what the triggers are. Sometimes I can't catch the depression from sinking its ugly claws in, but I am getting better about coming out of it and knowing when I need help.

Why am I writing about this. Well, I guess I just want people to know, that with depression like any other disease, you are in the drivers seat. You need to take control of your own healing. No one and no magic pill can make it better, you have to work at it. Maybe not every day, but most days. Sounds a lot like life in general, it is not easy, but it is what you make of it.

Check out Depressions and Bipolar Support Alliance

PMS and Depression don't mix

One thing I miss about being pregnant and nursing all the time is the fact I did not get a period. I am at the point in nursing Zachy that I have started getting my period pretty regularly. I hate it!! I am sure everyone around me hates it too. And today is the day that PMS has its grip on me. I have snapped at everyone and everything pretty much all afternoon. Then the part of my depression that I can't seem to control is the fact that I jump to the biggest "solution"to the problems. In my ill PMSing mind, when my husband pisses me off, I just don't want to be married anymore. Now that really isn't the case, I truly love my husband and would never want a divorce but that part of the depression (when PMSing) just does that to my mind. So, when Zachy was being difficult at bed time, I jump to "I don't want to do this anymore" which of course I do want to be his mom and nurse him and cuddle him, but that ill mind of mine just does that. Then the phone rings for the same number it always rings from (anyone who knows me knows what number I am talking about) I get ready to scream at my husband to block that number from our phone (sometimes I don't have to be ill or PMS to think that). Anyway I am sick of feeling this way because after all the ill minded thoughts, and the calmness comes back I have the guilt of even thinking that way. I am sure a lot of people with depression have these same feelings and for the most part my depression is under control. Just when that damn monthly "friend" comes around everything falls apart.
But now for some good points to this crappy day...
It was really hot (which doesn't help) but the kids had fun playing in the sand table and playing street hockey. I bought the baby (Zachy) a new hat. Believe or not I could not find a hat in any of the hand me down bags/boxes. So we went to TJ Maxx and he got a hat and I got a new shirt. Shopping always seems to help PMS. Here are a couple of pictures from the day. Zachy kind of looks funny in his hat...oh well

Now off to watch my favorite show...Big Bang Theory.

"Living" with depression

I have a lot to say on the topic of depression. I understand it, I have been living with depression for years. I used to say "suffering" but now I choose to say "living" with depression. I realize, mostly because of my sister, that there is definitely a difference. A little more than a year ago my sister tried to commit suicide. Since then it has been a rocky road. For her, but also for all of us who love her. I am at the point were I am just sick of it all. It doesn't seem like she is choosing to live her life. She is stuck in the suffering mode and it is driving us all crazy. I know she has had a really hard time getting a handle on her depression, she tried to kill herself, has done inpatient therapy, has had ECT and is now seeing a therapist and using some meds. But I have a feeling that she is waiting for something to make her feel better rather than working on it herself, trying to feel better. Than I start wondering if her depression is really so bad still or if she is just really unhappy in her life. She has so much negativity but never does anything to change things. It is like dealing with my 4 year old. He gets mad and just pouts so I am always saying "Use your words and tell people why your upset. When you just pout no one knows what is bothering you." My sister gets mad or upset and just pouts. Hello...you are an adult use your words and tell people (especially her husband) what is bothering you. It is a hard lesson to learn, but come on, if you tried to kill yourself wouldn't you try anything to make yourself more happy. Maybe getting your feelings heard will help. And stop the "suffering" make yourself start living, it really is not that hard to get up and do something. Even if you feel like staying in your pjs all day. If you know that isn't healthy for you, then don't do it. If your therapist suggest strategies to help yourself, maybe using them might work. Give things a try, be proactive on your own road to recovery. When my depression starts sneaking up on me, I might have to try a couple different things to start feeling better. If one doesn't work, I will try another or two. I don't know but I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of the suicide attempts. And I hate living on the edge like that. I wish she would just try to help herself. It just might work. Maybe that is what she is afraid of??

Life with Jonny

This is my husband, Jonny. For the most part he is a wonderful husband. Overall he is a great guy. Sometimes we do not see eye to eye, but in what marriage does that happen. I must say I am not always the easiest to get a long with. I can be moody and snappy. I have battled with depression since after our first son was born. It is hard for people to understand depression unless you have it. Some days I feel like Jonny just does not want to be here. Maybe it is a man thing or maybe it is just the depression distorting my views. My depression is under control. I try not to use my illness as an excuse for my behavior or thoughts. Although it would explain a lot of my outburst. Anyway, Jonny is a great father to our boys. He plays with them, is involved in their schooling and really tries to be patient with them. It is very hard for him to be patient. He is very strict, likes order and peace. Unfortunately with 3 boys that rarely happens in our house. Jonny forgets what he was like as a young boy. I am sure he was not the angel he claims he was.
Most of the "big" decisions in our life swings in Jonny's favor. Like I said before, it is just easier that way. We usually talk about it but I usually just go with the flow. Now I don't want anyone to think I don't get my way, I just have to make him think it was his idea. Something I have learned in the 13+ years we have been together. He still is the love of my life. (What a sap!)