Weight Watchers

I did it. Did I want to? Not really. Do I need to? For sure! Am I happy about it? No!

It all started when I realized that all my clothes (even the ones that were always too big) were very tight. My knees and back started hurting all the time, too. So on Monday I stepped on the scale and almost passed out. The number that came up was so much more than I have ever been in my life. I never thought in a million years I would weigh this much!

That was it...the moment that pushed me to join Weight Watchers. Their program has worked for me before. Hopefully I will stick with it this time and get to a healthy weight.

Already I hate it. Always thinking before I put a piece of food in my mouth. Always planning ahead and making sure it is not too much. Always feeling hungry (or at least thinking I am).

It is not going to be easy. But I need to do it. I need to be here for the long run...for my kids. Although I am an active person (sometimes). Being this heavy is not good for me. I love my kids more than anything (even myself). So, this is for them. If I feel good about myself in the mean time...that is just an added bonus.

"A Cup Of Comfort"

Today I have consciously taken a step to get myself out of this "funk" I have been in. I am not sure why or what started it...maybe my period, the weather, the let down after the holidays...Whatever the reason I really need to take responsibility to make myself feel better. Knitting has a way of making me happy. It must be something about making, producing, creating with my own hands or I just enjoy it. Either way I have started a knitting project and started to feel the clouds lift. While digging around in my yarn basket I see a book that I bought a while back. Back when I was still wavering about my faith this book kept popping up while I was a TJ Maxx. Everywhere I looked a copy of this book was there. So, thinking "Hey, maybe, just maybe this is a sign from God", so I bought the book. It has been a year or more and I haven't even cracked it open to read the introduction. Today I finally started reading it. With each short chapter the clouds are lifting and I truly am feeling better. The book is wisely called "A Cup of Comfort. Book of Prayers". On the front cover it says "Stories and reflections that bring you closer to God". I am not sure if that is really the case with me but to read these stories from ordinary people and their prayers has done my heart and head a world of good. It has been my Cup of Comfort. And has given me a few thoughts to ponder (which I love) and I can't wait until my dear friend Shar comes over so I can share these pondering thoughts with her. We have some of the greatest conversations about the Lord, our faith, and everything that goes with it.

Grudges, Guilt and Forgiveness

Once a upon a time in a land...oh screw it my life is no fairytale...Back in my early 20's, Jonny and I had a couple of good friends...hell they were our best friends, more like family. A day did not go by without spending time or speaking to these friends. Haley and Brian were not a couple, although spent some time being a couple, but they were always with Jonny and I. We didn't think of it as weird, strange, it was just us. Brian had dinner with Jonny and I every night, when Jonny did not want to go out with me (dancing, drinking, whatever) Brian would go with me. Haley was my best girl friend, she knew and knows my deepest darkest secrets (as did Brian).

What does all this warm and fuzzy crap have to do with grudges, guilt and forgiveness? Well, just before Jonny and I got married (Brian and Haley were to be in our wedding) the four of us had a falling out. I can't even remember exactly how it started but I remember thinking Haley was too hard to be friends with, and Brian did not want me to try to run his life.

We held this grudge for a long time...I gave birth to Ryan and Haley had Alexis and moved to California. Brian was around town we just never took the step to contact him. Flash forward...Haley called and wanted to get together...I took a deep breath and told her sure come on over. We forgave each other for whatever happened in the past and renewed our friendship. For the rest of the next few years we remained friends but none of us contacted Brian...

Then the unthinkable happens...Brian is in a fatal snowmobile accident...Jonny, Haley and I are shocked to the core...tears flow...guilt rages...it is too late for forgiveness...

We attend the wake and funeral, cry with all of his family and friends. I kneel at his casket and look at what was once one of my best friends...and ask through a water fall of tears for his forgiveness. That was 3 years ago...I (Jonny too) carry guilt of not calling Brian before it was too late. The guilt eats at us and still makes me cry at times. Praying helps a little...I pray a lot over this...the Brian I once knew would have forgiven me long ago...he may have before his death but I will never know.
Why am I going on with this sad story? Because I want others to be spared the guilt of holding grudges...you never know when it will be too late for forgiveness.
Jonny has been making me proud in that department. He has been calling his former friends asking that the grudges be laid to rest. Sometimes asking for forgiveness for being an ass and other times just a "hey I have been thinking about you" type of call. He has learned from Brians death...you never know when it will be too late. I too have learned...Haley and I have had rifts but we spent the last couple of days catching up...I forgave a young women from my past that I feel has wronged me. And I try to let go of grudges...before the unthinkable happens again and the guilt eats me up.


We miss you Brian!

Heart wrenching

I sat up last night and this morning reading these heart wrenching blogs from families that have lost their babies. I can't even image the pain these families are going though. The babies had such birth defects that they could not survive outside of the womb. But these amazing moms carried their babies as long as they could and gave birth, to hold them for a few precious moments before the babies would pass away. I am in awe of just how amazing and strong these women are. One thing they all had in common was this tremendous faith in god and his plan. I am so envious. I just don't have this "faith" in god's plan. These amazing women and their families find comfort in their faith and seem at such peace. I had a miscarriage between Griffin and Zachy. It was the hardest, most painful (mentally, physically, emotionally) thing that I have ever been though. I was just 12 weeks along but had seen the baby on the ultrasound (just a little "Speck") and saw the little flicker of its heart. As I have said to my husband at each pregnancy "Even if this baby never comes out of me. I am still its mother". I had already become "attached" to this baby. I had talked to it, tried to come up the names for it and really was in love with the little one. I tend to think more scientifically at things rather than thinking of gods plan. I understood that something wasn't right with the pregnancy and it was my body making the decision to end the pregnancy, but that didn't make it any easier. After losing the baby, I was a wreck. I just couldn't get it together. My days were just a haze of going though the motions to get the kids fed, bathed and bed. I cried all the time, I barely talked to anyone. The heartache was unbearable. My chest and breast ached at the thought of the baby. There was this huge emptiness. Nothing could fill it. No one made the hurt less. If I had the faith these mothers have maybe I could have healed quicker. Maybe it would have been somewhat easier (for a lack of a better word). I still think of the little baby that I lost. I my own mind I call him/her Speck. That was what we had referred to it after the ultrasound. When I think about the baby I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I understand how awkward it is for people to hear about a loss of a baby and Jonny just doesn't understand the depth of my loss. He just didn't have the connection to the baby think I did. My loss was a miscarriage. The fetus didn't really look like a baby, but these women held their dying babies in their arms, at their chests, with their husbands and family. I really cannot put in to words my admiration of these women.
After my miscarriage we were blessed with Zachy. He doesn't take the place of the baby we lost, but he fills the hole just a little and gives us true joy everyday. I am thankful for the wonderful blessings that my 3 boys are. I hope that the families I have read about find a way to heal.

Blessed

I am sitting here crying my eyes out at a tv show. Brothers and Sisters is a great show. It reminds me of my family. We are large and a little dysfunctional but always love each other and have fun. But in this episode a baby is very sick and needs a liver transplant. It is too hard to watch things like that. I am just so thankful that my kids are healthy. I could not image what it must be like to have a very sick baby. I just want to go upstairs and hold all three of my kids.

On a happier note: It is snowing!!! I just love this time of year. The snow makes everything beautiful. I just hope we get has much as they are calling for.