We need to get out!

It is Saturday night in the Melen household and what are we doing? Watching Kids Choice Awards! We all laughed and cheered together as our favorites won and booed as others won. It was a great time...the funny thing is...the boys went to bed and Jonny and I stayed up watching it. We are adults laughing and cheering just as much as the kids. Really...I think Jonny and I need an adult night out!

As the words leave my lips (or fingertips), I know I am just all talk. For some reason Jonny and I can't seem to get a night out to ourselves. My niece, Courtney, is more than happy to watch the boys and they go to bed for her. So, that is not really our excuse. What is? I am not sure. I wish I knew, because we both say how much we need and want to go out without the kids but it just never seems to happen. Honestly, I can't remember the last time we were without the boys. It is really sad!

All the "marriage experts" say how important it is to put your spouse first. To make sure you marriage is full filling. Do these people have kids? Do they realize that when we are without our kids we really can't wait to get home and cuddle them? I know it doesn't leave much for our marriage when our kids are grown and out of the house. When it is just the two of us what will we do? Honestly...that time will come so fast that I want to be with my kids as much as possible (some days I will not admit this). Jonny and I will still have a marriage when that time comes...we are just working on it in a different way then the "experts" say we should.

Bad wife (again)

That's right, I have been a bad wife yet again. I did not hear my cell phone ring when Jonny was calling me to have me pick up Ryan. So, he is quite annoyed with me. He had some work to do and could not pick up Ryan, but of course, I was not the wife I should have been and did not hear the phone so he had to stop and go pick up Ryan. In my defense, I did call him back in plenty of time to get Ryan but he had already changed his schedule to do so.
What I don't understand is how a hubby can make his wife feel so inadequate. Yes, husbands make mistakes too, but for some reason when a wife doesn't do what is needed or expected it is this awful mess. Husbands don't seem to think twice about the mistakes they make, but every wife I have spoken to has said the same thing. They feel inadequate when they make their husbands upset or angry. Not sure what this is about. Maybe it is the female guilt thing.

Marriage

I don't know if I should be writing a post like this. But I really need to get this out and in the open. Sometimes it is hard to use the appropriate words when talking to someone with emotions running high so I was thinking if I write what I am feeling I might get it right. My husband has been on a funk lately and it feels like our marriage is slipping though our fingers. We have been here before with one or both of us in a "funk" but when it happens I feel like it is me and the boys living our lives and Jonny is just living "next to" us. We are just coexisting rather than sharing our life. Truly, I hate this feeling. I miss "us". I miss being with him, because right now I don't like being with him. When we are in the same room, it is so stressful I just want to leave. The friction or tension between us is huge and makes things very uncomfortable. Before you ask, I have tried to get him to talk, but he tells me "If I knew what was bothering me I would tell you, I just don't know". Well I believe that to an extent. I have had that feeling but it was my depression, and if he is feeling this way he should get help. If he is feeling like he wants out of the marriage and our life then I would like to know. Maybe we can get counselling and get back on track. I have been asking for us to get some marriage counselling for a while just so we don't get to the point of no return. The more I think about our marriage the more I am starting to understand what MckMamma has to say about her marriage which you can read here. One thing she says is maybe marriage is not meant to make you happy but to make you holy (she is a real God loving woman). And if you act like Jesus does and love the unlovable, respect when one acts disrespectful, and speak nicely even when they are not speaking nicely we become more holy. God loves us when we are unlovable, and we all feel good when we are loved even when we are unlovable. This brings a peace in you which will find its way into your marriage. If I stop wanting and waiting for Jonny to start making me happy, and I focus on making him happy, maybe just maybe it will come full circle and I will then be happy. Kind of confusing...yeah I know, just read MckMammas post. She can explain it better. But for now I am going to focus on my husband and choosing to love him and only him. What Jonny does I can't control, but I can be happy in believing in our marriage and knowing that God believes in it to.

I had a great time at the knitting party. We did it again last night. It is so much fun, we sit and knit and gab. Just a great time with some ladies that understand me. We bitch about husbands and kids and other moms that make us mad. So far I love knitting! It gives me something to do with my hands when I am nursing the baby or watching a show. But today I can't knit, I should not be on the computer. Jonny is mad because yesterday I didn't get as much housework done as he thought I should. So today I have to get the rest done, just so I don't have to listen to him. Again he brought up the fact that I don't get the housework done even though I don't have daycare kids here. I guess that is what it boils down to. I am not making the money he wants and has to bitch about something. He doesn't understand that I still have our kids to feed and play with and nurse. I have to sit to nurse the baby, and when he isn't feeling well he nurses to comfort himself. I spend a lot of time with him on my boob. I wish the guys could understand that. All he says is "Just don't nurse him so often". Yeah that doesn't fly! Well enough bitching, I have to get my housework done.

Tonight I am off to a knitting party. My friends get together ever Thursday night to knit, talk and eat. This is the first time I am going, hopefully I will learn to knit. I have always wanted to, but just haven't found the time to learn. So I am off tonight and hopefully Jenny can teach me. I must be getting old to be excited about knitting. Oh well.

This is the first time I will be leaving the baby with anyone at bed time. I am leaving him with Jonny, but it might has well be a sitter. Jonny has never put the baby to bed. He is 8 months old today. Pretty sad his father hasn't done it yet. I will try to put him down before I leave but that is a little early. I bet I will get a call as soon as I get to Jenny's. Maybe I will have Courtney on back up so I can get out of the house for a little while (without children). Its funny, when I see someone out and about, they don't recognize me unless I have the kids. I can't tell you how many times that has happen. I always hear "I didn't know it was you without a baby on your hip or a child hanging off your arms". I think it is time I go out without any of them.

"good boy"

It has been a while since my last entry. I am just terrible about staying current on anything. That includes laundry, dishes and general housekeeping. Jonny (my husband) is usually pretty good at going these things when I slack off, but why does he need a pat on the back, the good boy, great job and thank you every time he does something. I don't get anything from him when I do it, and I get so mad to think it is because these things are viewed as "my job". I have never gotten at thank you from him for keeping the kids feed, clothed, cleaned and safe every day. For playing endless rounds of Candyland and trucks so that they don't bother him. I am sorry, I might just be tired, because I am the one that gets up with all three kids, while he snores on.

On a lighter note...I am so Thankful for everything I have. My kids are wonderful and healthy, my family was all together for Thanksgiving, and I have the best time being able to volunteer at the kids school. For that I have to thank my husband. He really has done everything to make it possible for me to not have to work. So, I guess I can suck it up and pat him on the back when he does the dished "for me" as he likes to put it.

Life with Jonny

This is my husband, Jonny. For the most part he is a wonderful husband. Overall he is a great guy. Sometimes we do not see eye to eye, but in what marriage does that happen. I must say I am not always the easiest to get a long with. I can be moody and snappy. I have battled with depression since after our first son was born. It is hard for people to understand depression unless you have it. Some days I feel like Jonny just does not want to be here. Maybe it is a man thing or maybe it is just the depression distorting my views. My depression is under control. I try not to use my illness as an excuse for my behavior or thoughts. Although it would explain a lot of my outburst. Anyway, Jonny is a great father to our boys. He plays with them, is involved in their schooling and really tries to be patient with them. It is very hard for him to be patient. He is very strict, likes order and peace. Unfortunately with 3 boys that rarely happens in our house. Jonny forgets what he was like as a young boy. I am sure he was not the angel he claims he was.
Most of the "big" decisions in our life swings in Jonny's favor. Like I said before, it is just easier that way. We usually talk about it but I usually just go with the flow. Now I don't want anyone to think I don't get my way, I just have to make him think it was his idea. Something I have learned in the 13+ years we have been together. He still is the love of my life. (What a sap!)