Summer fun

Summer is almost here. The weather has been warm for the most part with a little rain but pretty nice. Griffin is out of school for the summer and Ryan only has four more school days. Like usual I am excited for vacation but I am also preparing for having all the kids home. It is always a challenge to keep the boys busy enough to keep boredom at bay. When they start to get bored they tend to fight, argue and annoy each other.

Some of our plans for the summer include tenting. Which we tried in our yard and it did not go so well. My boys and I ended up in the house in our own beds. I think tenting in our yard is just too convenient to have our beds right there. Our next camping adventure will have to be at a campground.

We have been having pit fires to roast marshmallows and make smores. We all love to have fires. The rain doesn't even stop us!

Hopefully the weather will be nice enough this summer so we can fish, swim, go for wagon rides, bike rides and walks. Maybe we will do some hiking and kayaking. Which will help me in my quest for weight loss. Speaking of weight loss, after two weeks on Weight Watchers I have lost four and a half pounds! Yay me! Although, I seriously think I have lost it all in my chest. My boobs are the only part of me that is shrinking. Oh well that is better than gaining.

A little this and a little that

There isn't really anything major to write about but I just thought I would write about a little bit of everything.

I have been doing great on Weight Watchers. The weight loss is happening slowly (which is good) but more importantly I am learning to become more in-tune with my body. By that I mean only eating when I am hungry, not because I am bored, sad, happy or thirsty. Sounds funny right? To eat when you are really thirsty...Yup, by listening (really hard) to my body I have found I tend to eat when I should be drinking. I drink a lot to begin with but now I am drinking a lot more and eating a lot less. Surprisingly, I am not hungry all that often! Who knew!

This weekend we are having a memorial for my Mom. Which in of itself is sad but it will be nice to have my family all home. When we all come together, even for the saddest of events, we all have a good time. That is how my family is, one fun loving group! I am sure there will be plenty of tears, laughs, food, drink, and who knows maybe some accidental peeing. Heehee...you know who you are!

Our kitchen is torn apart a little. For some strange reason the outlet that our microwave plugs into is not working. It wasn't the fuse or the outlet itself so it must be the wire. I am so afraid of an electrically fire that we have turned off the power to that line which affects a couple of other outlets. The appliances that were plugged into the other outlets are now moved to other counters to make then usable. Ugh, as if my kitchen wasn't messy enough. Oh well.

Griffin's last day of school is today. Ryan's last day is June 15th. We hope to do some camping (in a tent), hiking, swimming, fishing and anything else that strikes our fancy. Ryan and I would like to try kayaking. I think we would have a lot of fun. We just need someone to babysit the other two. Maybe we can tie fishing and kayaking together so we can all be there to give kayaking a try.

I guess that is it for now.

Weight Watchers

I did it. Did I want to? Not really. Do I need to? For sure! Am I happy about it? No!

It all started when I realized that all my clothes (even the ones that were always too big) were very tight. My knees and back started hurting all the time, too. So on Monday I stepped on the scale and almost passed out. The number that came up was so much more than I have ever been in my life. I never thought in a million years I would weigh this much!

That was it...the moment that pushed me to join Weight Watchers. Their program has worked for me before. Hopefully I will stick with it this time and get to a healthy weight.

Already I hate it. Always thinking before I put a piece of food in my mouth. Always planning ahead and making sure it is not too much. Always feeling hungry (or at least thinking I am).

It is not going to be easy. But I need to do it. I need to be here for the long run...for my kids. Although I am an active person (sometimes). Being this heavy is not good for me. I love my kids more than anything (even myself). So, this is for them. If I feel good about myself in the mean time...that is just an added bonus.

2 weeks

Yesterday has been two weeks since my Mom passed away. It is hard to write about because I really don't know where to begin. I have written about my mom here and here. She hadn't been the Mom I knew for a while but she was still the most important woman in my life. Her passing was a sad and terribly hard thing to see but was also a beautiful blessing.

Mom was back in the hospital for pneumonia yet again. At first I couldn't bring myself to go see her. As selfish as this sounds, I did not want to see my mom so sick again. But then on April 12th (my birthday) I just had to go see her. The nurses had given her some medication that made her sleep. My understanding is what they had given her was to help her not struggle to breath so much but it also knocked her out. I spent an hour or more just talking to her, holding her hand and crying. I wanted her to know that it was ok to let go, to go to heaven where she would not be in pain and with her sisters, mom and dad, and my brother Gary.

When I left the hospital I really lost it. No more holding it together. I talked to my sister Gia and really did not know what to say. Was Mom dying? Should she come home? I really didn't have the answers but I knew I was scared.

The next day (Tuesday, April 13th) I talk to Gia in the morning. She had talked to the palliative care nurse who suggested she get home as soon as possible. I then get a sitter and head up to the hospital. Mom was struggling to breath and couldn't stay awake but she was talking and asking for water. Later that day, after talking to the palliative care nurse, we decide to stop the antibiotics and IV fluids and move her to the suite. We knew it was only a matter of days, so we make plans for my other siblings to get up to the hospital the next day to see her. I head home to spend some much needed mental health time with my boys. I think I was gone 2 to 3 hours.

When I get back to the hospital and walk into the suite, I knew it was going to happen sooner. Mom had really declined in those 3 hours. Her breathing had changed and she couldn't wake up. One of the nurses told my sister-in-law that she would be surprised if she made it though the night. Something I already knew.

We take turns sitting with her, holding her hands, rubbing her hair, and telling her its ok to let go, to stop fighting.

My sister Ellen and I are sitting on either side of her. I couldn't leave her side and let go of her hand. The tears flow again and Ellen asks "Is this too hard on you?" I answer through falling tears "Yes". But I couldn't leave. It was too hard but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Right around 8:00 pm her breathing really changes. I can't remember if I said it out loud or just in my head "This is it...she is going!" All the others (Brenda, Ronny, Gia and Kathi) join Ellen and I at her side. The next few minutes she takes her last breaths. After a couple of last gasps, that surprised and scared us, Mom took her last breath and then this peace comes over her. It was the worst moment of my life but also the most blessed moment. I cried out "She's gone!" and break down into a puddle of tears (as did everyone else). At that moment God came and took Moms hand to guide her to heaven. The peace that came over her face was indescribable. It was beautiful.

Through tears and cries we all call loved ones that need to be told. My husband and my niece Kate come right up. We all sit there in the suite and cry, laugh, hold Mom's hand, tell stories, and work on her obituary. I think we spend about 2 hours in there with Mom and each other. We waited until the funeral home came to get her body. Saying goodbye to her at that moment was just as hard as seeing her die. Thank God, Ray was the one to pick her up. We know he took good care of her.

I could write more about the days that follow but this post is as emotionally draining as I can take right now.

Until I see you again in heaven...I love you Mom!

Where did my baby go?!

Where did my baby go?!

One day old

No, I did not lose one of my kids (not today anyway). It is just that Zachy will be turning two on Sunday! I can't not believe that my baby is growing up so fast. He is such a little man now and that fact that his birthday is 2 days away, I am having a really hard day. With the other two boys I was generally ok with them getting older. Believe me, I still teared up on their birthdays but there was hope we would have more babies. Or I was already pregnant with another. But with Zachy really being our last...it is even harder.

Minutes old

Every milestone he achieves makes me so proud and so sad. My baby is not so much a "baby" anymore..."sniff, sniff"

One week old

Being a Mom is so bittersweet! But the best job there is! Love you, my little Zachy! No matter how old you are you will always be my BABY!

We need to get out!

It is Saturday night in the Melen household and what are we doing? Watching Kids Choice Awards! We all laughed and cheered together as our favorites won and booed as others won. It was a great time...the funny thing is...the boys went to bed and Jonny and I stayed up watching it. We are adults laughing and cheering just as much as the kids. Really...I think Jonny and I need an adult night out!

As the words leave my lips (or fingertips), I know I am just all talk. For some reason Jonny and I can't seem to get a night out to ourselves. My niece, Courtney, is more than happy to watch the boys and they go to bed for her. So, that is not really our excuse. What is? I am not sure. I wish I knew, because we both say how much we need and want to go out without the kids but it just never seems to happen. Honestly, I can't remember the last time we were without the boys. It is really sad!

All the "marriage experts" say how important it is to put your spouse first. To make sure you marriage is full filling. Do these people have kids? Do they realize that when we are without our kids we really can't wait to get home and cuddle them? I know it doesn't leave much for our marriage when our kids are grown and out of the house. When it is just the two of us what will we do? Honestly...that time will come so fast that I want to be with my kids as much as possible (some days I will not admit this). Jonny and I will still have a marriage when that time comes...we are just working on it in a different way then the "experts" say we should.

5QF

Hop on over to My Little Life to join in on 5 Question Friday.

1. Did you pass your driver's test on the first try?

Why, yes I did!

2. What is your most embarrassing moment?
Too many to choose from...hmmm...I guess it would be the time that I had some bad stomach issue and did not make it to the bathroom (I can't believe I just posted that)

3. What TV show would you like to be on- Oprah, Biggest Loser, or What Not to Wear?
Definitely What Not to Wear! I need a new wardrobe. And I LOVE Stacey and Clinton.

4. Would you ever get plastic surgery and what kind?
I certainly would! Lets start with liposuction and then tummy tuck and a nose job. Maybe some new boobs or at least put them back where they belong.

5. What are your favorite jeans to wear?
Calvin Kline