Grudges, Guilt and Forgiveness

Once a upon a time in a land...oh screw it my life is no fairytale...Back in my early 20's, Jonny and I had a couple of good friends...hell they were our best friends, more like family. A day did not go by without spending time or speaking to these friends. Haley and Brian were not a couple, although spent some time being a couple, but they were always with Jonny and I. We didn't think of it as weird, strange, it was just us. Brian had dinner with Jonny and I every night, when Jonny did not want to go out with me (dancing, drinking, whatever) Brian would go with me. Haley was my best girl friend, she knew and knows my deepest darkest secrets (as did Brian).

What does all this warm and fuzzy crap have to do with grudges, guilt and forgiveness? Well, just before Jonny and I got married (Brian and Haley were to be in our wedding) the four of us had a falling out. I can't even remember exactly how it started but I remember thinking Haley was too hard to be friends with, and Brian did not want me to try to run his life.

We held this grudge for a long time...I gave birth to Ryan and Haley had Alexis and moved to California. Brian was around town we just never took the step to contact him. Flash forward...Haley called and wanted to get together...I took a deep breath and told her sure come on over. We forgave each other for whatever happened in the past and renewed our friendship. For the rest of the next few years we remained friends but none of us contacted Brian...

Then the unthinkable happens...Brian is in a fatal snowmobile accident...Jonny, Haley and I are shocked to the core...tears flow...guilt rages...it is too late for forgiveness...

We attend the wake and funeral, cry with all of his family and friends. I kneel at his casket and look at what was once one of my best friends...and ask through a water fall of tears for his forgiveness. That was 3 years ago...I (Jonny too) carry guilt of not calling Brian before it was too late. The guilt eats at us and still makes me cry at times. Praying helps a little...I pray a lot over this...the Brian I once knew would have forgiven me long ago...he may have before his death but I will never know.
Why am I going on with this sad story? Because I want others to be spared the guilt of holding grudges...you never know when it will be too late for forgiveness.
Jonny has been making me proud in that department. He has been calling his former friends asking that the grudges be laid to rest. Sometimes asking for forgiveness for being an ass and other times just a "hey I have been thinking about you" type of call. He has learned from Brians death...you never know when it will be too late. I too have learned...Haley and I have had rifts but we spent the last couple of days catching up...I forgave a young women from my past that I feel has wronged me. And I try to let go of grudges...before the unthinkable happens again and the guilt eats me up.


We miss you Brian!

Homemade baby wipes

Homemade Baby Wipes

My 3^rd son has such sensitive skin, store bought baby wipes just make him break out in a rash. I found this "recipe" on the internet and found that it works great!

½ roll of Bounty paper towel. Either cut the roll in half and pull out the tube or buy select a size and fold half of the roll.

2 cups warm water

2 tablespoons favorite baby soap

1 tablespoon of baby oil

2 to 4 teaspoons of Tea tree oil.

Mix water, soap and oils together and pour over ½ the roll of Bounty paper towels. Bounty is the only brand that will hold up to this. Then store in an air tight container.

Hi My name is Dawn and I am addicted to...

Survivorman. That is right, I can't get enough of Les Stroud. He is THE Survivorman. The Discovery Science channel has this real reality show called Survivorman. Les is brought out to remote locations by his crew. The crew leaves Les with only what is in his pack, 50lbs worth of recording equipment, and nothing else. Seven days to survive on the land, finding his own food and shelter, and trying not to be killed by the animals. I love watching this show, I can't get enough of it. Sometimes I am grossed out by what Les is having to eat, and the bugs when he was in the jungle, but that doesn't stop my addiction. Just kidding I am not really addicted, I really just love watching this show. It is so real...I mean the network is not going to let him die out there, but he isn't setting himself up to be stung by a killer bee just to see what happens and have his crew save him (like another nature "reality" show). He is really trying to survive the seven days. On one occasion I have seen the crew come in and "rescue" him because of some life threatening storm in that area. But Les was bummed...he wanted to survive the seven days. When you can, check it out...I am sure you will like it.

A Great Book

Let me start off by saying...I struggle with my faith quite frequently. I am very much a believer in God, I pray often, but I am still a work in progress. Which brings me to this post...
The Shack by Wm. Paul Young is a great book to read. I know it has caused controversy in the religious community but I must tell you this book has struck me straight into my soul. I am still reading this book and I can't wait to read it again. As I have been told, you really need to read this book more than once to get everything out of it. As I read I am constantly said "this is just like me". The struggles and questions of faith that the main character has are some that I deal with.
A lot of the issues and answers that this book offers make so much sense to me, I really suggest that everyone read it. Even if you don't struggle with your faith, it is a great book to sit back read and enjoy.

Stop being so picky and be thankful!

After spending some time praying, reading and writing my last post. I realize I need to stop being so picky about the help we receive and be thankful. Sometimes it takes me writing things out and speaking to God to see things clearly.

Yes, I am truly thankful for the help that my MIL give us. She may not take Zachy or babysit him the way I would like, but she does do so much other things. Today for example she has taken the big boys to her house for the day. She did not have to, but I am very happy she did. Zachy was up ever 2 to 3 hours last night leaving me very tired and prone to grumpiness. She comes to our house almost every Saturday morning bringing donuts and bacon. While here she picks up the kitchen and will fold laundry if there is some to be folded (usually there is plenty). Financially she has helped us where she could. For Jon's birthday instead of buying something he really does not need she will pay for a year of life insurance. My MIL does help us in her own ways and for that I am very thankful.
As for my sister...her relationship with her dogs is not for me to judge. I can chose to protect my children and sanity which may mean staying away from her house and still have a relationship with her over the phone or at our house. She will not leave her dogs home alone for very long (if at all) so she just is not an option to watch Zachy here at my house. Instead of being sad I will try to be positive and thankful for the help she did give me with my other two boys.
With the help of Gods grace I will remain positive and not let the sadness and negative thoughts grab hold.

Terribly Sad

Right now I am feeling terribly sad. I have this dilemma that I just don't know how to deal with. Let me start by saying I have never left Zachary with anyone other than family. And when I say family it is just a couple of them. I am not comfortable leaving my children with anyone, I chose to have them so I should not "pawn" them off on other people. I understand that I need to sometimes and it is healthy to leave them with others. Anyway, I have been thinking about bringing the big boys (Ryan and Griffin) to the bowling alley or driving range. Which we know from experience that the bowling alley is no place for Zachy...

I would love to leave him with someone so I can spend so time doing these things with the big boys. They need more of my attention, since Zachy gets so much of it lately.

But the problem is...Courtney (who is my niece that almost always watches Zachy) got a job and will not be available to me. My sister is so obsessed with her dogs she can't seem to keep her mind straight enough to watch the kids. And my MIL is just "too busy".
What makes me so sad about all this, you ask. My sister used to watch my boys a lot. They loved going to her house, but she has taken this strange turn in her life and is so whacked about her dogs it is so uncomfortable to be at her house. The dogs have the "right of way" in the house, to the point that they come out of the pool soaked and jump up on her couch to dry off. This leaves no where for the humans to sit. Not to mention her younger dog, Daia (which is no longer young enough to be considered a puppy) has no manners. I just don't like that Daia is "allowed" to jump on, nip, and slobber all over my baby. My sister never disciplines her and seems to think it is the kids fault that Daia is all over them. To top it all off I don't feel that Zachy would be watched well by my sister because she is so overly concerned about her dogs she may neglect to see a danger. He may wander outside, because the door is always left open for the dogs, and find his way into the pool and she may never notice. I am so sad that my sister puts her dogs before anyone else, not just my boys, but her own grandsons.
Secondly, I am sadden because my mother is so old and ill she can't watch my boys. When she is in her right mind (she has dementia), she would love to have the boys. It kills her that she can't take care of them. When I was young she always had my nephews and nieces over. She babysat for everyone and honestly I don't ever remember her saying she was "too busy" for her grand kids. My MIL on the other hand is more often than not, just too busy to babysit. And when she does babysit it is always will stipulations. We have to be home by this time or she can only do it at her house and it is usually just the older boys. Honestly I don't know if she can handle Zachy. I can't remember the last time she babysat Zachy. I think it may have been when he was 6 weeks old and I was in a wedding. It just makes me so sad because my mom would love to watch them, if only she could.
Now this may seem petty. Like I said it was my choice to have kids so I shouldn't expect people to babysit for me. My MIL has raised her kids, it is not her "duty" to babysit. My sister has every right to choose to put her dogs first priority. And really, it is about time that Courtney has a job. It just makes me so sad that I don't have my mom ready and able to help me, like she was for my sisters and their kids.
I wish I could put aside my issue about strangers watching my children just long enough to get to know someone outside the family. It would certainly make my life a little easier in the long run.

Mommy Confessions

It’s time for The Mommy Confessions again. As moms we all have something that we want…no that we NEED to get off our chests so this is the time to do it. Head on over to Life Starring the Kids and Me to unload your confessions.

Ok...Here I go. I must say I have a lot to confession this week. I missed lasts week confessions and I really could of used it I am sure. But because of the lack of sleep lately I can't remember.

For my first confession:
As mentioned above we have not been getting a lot of sleep lately. Zachy is working on four molars and has been miserable. Tylenol and Motrin haven't been helping, the teething tablets help a little, but he cries a lot in the middle of the night. As a last ditch effort I have him Benadryl the other night to try to make him sleep. And it worked!!! So off and on when we need to get some much needed sleep we give Zachy a little Benadryl.

My Second confession:
Instead of sitting with boys at the kitchen table when it is time for breakfast, I make up a couple of bowls...fruit, dried cereal, some cut up pancakes and set in on the table in the living room so that they can eat when they want. The reason...I am way to tired first thing in the morning to sit at the table and fight with them to eat. So now they eat when they want and I can relax.