2 weeks

Yesterday has been two weeks since my Mom passed away. It is hard to write about because I really don't know where to begin. I have written about my mom here and here. She hadn't been the Mom I knew for a while but she was still the most important woman in my life. Her passing was a sad and terribly hard thing to see but was also a beautiful blessing.

Mom was back in the hospital for pneumonia yet again. At first I couldn't bring myself to go see her. As selfish as this sounds, I did not want to see my mom so sick again. But then on April 12th (my birthday) I just had to go see her. The nurses had given her some medication that made her sleep. My understanding is what they had given her was to help her not struggle to breath so much but it also knocked her out. I spent an hour or more just talking to her, holding her hand and crying. I wanted her to know that it was ok to let go, to go to heaven where she would not be in pain and with her sisters, mom and dad, and my brother Gary.

When I left the hospital I really lost it. No more holding it together. I talked to my sister Gia and really did not know what to say. Was Mom dying? Should she come home? I really didn't have the answers but I knew I was scared.

The next day (Tuesday, April 13th) I talk to Gia in the morning. She had talked to the palliative care nurse who suggested she get home as soon as possible. I then get a sitter and head up to the hospital. Mom was struggling to breath and couldn't stay awake but she was talking and asking for water. Later that day, after talking to the palliative care nurse, we decide to stop the antibiotics and IV fluids and move her to the suite. We knew it was only a matter of days, so we make plans for my other siblings to get up to the hospital the next day to see her. I head home to spend some much needed mental health time with my boys. I think I was gone 2 to 3 hours.

When I get back to the hospital and walk into the suite, I knew it was going to happen sooner. Mom had really declined in those 3 hours. Her breathing had changed and she couldn't wake up. One of the nurses told my sister-in-law that she would be surprised if she made it though the night. Something I already knew.

We take turns sitting with her, holding her hands, rubbing her hair, and telling her its ok to let go, to stop fighting.

My sister Ellen and I are sitting on either side of her. I couldn't leave her side and let go of her hand. The tears flow again and Ellen asks "Is this too hard on you?" I answer through falling tears "Yes". But I couldn't leave. It was too hard but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Right around 8:00 pm her breathing really changes. I can't remember if I said it out loud or just in my head "This is it...she is going!" All the others (Brenda, Ronny, Gia and Kathi) join Ellen and I at her side. The next few minutes she takes her last breaths. After a couple of last gasps, that surprised and scared us, Mom took her last breath and then this peace comes over her. It was the worst moment of my life but also the most blessed moment. I cried out "She's gone!" and break down into a puddle of tears (as did everyone else). At that moment God came and took Moms hand to guide her to heaven. The peace that came over her face was indescribable. It was beautiful.

Through tears and cries we all call loved ones that need to be told. My husband and my niece Kate come right up. We all sit there in the suite and cry, laugh, hold Mom's hand, tell stories, and work on her obituary. I think we spend about 2 hours in there with Mom and each other. We waited until the funeral home came to get her body. Saying goodbye to her at that moment was just as hard as seeing her die. Thank God, Ray was the one to pick her up. We know he took good care of her.

I could write more about the days that follow but this post is as emotionally draining as I can take right now.

Until I see you again in heaven...I love you Mom!

Where did my baby go?!

Where did my baby go?!

One day old

No, I did not lose one of my kids (not today anyway). It is just that Zachy will be turning two on Sunday! I can't not believe that my baby is growing up so fast. He is such a little man now and that fact that his birthday is 2 days away, I am having a really hard day. With the other two boys I was generally ok with them getting older. Believe me, I still teared up on their birthdays but there was hope we would have more babies. Or I was already pregnant with another. But with Zachy really being our last...it is even harder.

Minutes old

Every milestone he achieves makes me so proud and so sad. My baby is not so much a "baby" anymore..."sniff, sniff"

One week old

Being a Mom is so bittersweet! But the best job there is! Love you, my little Zachy! No matter how old you are you will always be my BABY!

We need to get out!

It is Saturday night in the Melen household and what are we doing? Watching Kids Choice Awards! We all laughed and cheered together as our favorites won and booed as others won. It was a great time...the funny thing is...the boys went to bed and Jonny and I stayed up watching it. We are adults laughing and cheering just as much as the kids. Really...I think Jonny and I need an adult night out!

As the words leave my lips (or fingertips), I know I am just all talk. For some reason Jonny and I can't seem to get a night out to ourselves. My niece, Courtney, is more than happy to watch the boys and they go to bed for her. So, that is not really our excuse. What is? I am not sure. I wish I knew, because we both say how much we need and want to go out without the kids but it just never seems to happen. Honestly, I can't remember the last time we were without the boys. It is really sad!

All the "marriage experts" say how important it is to put your spouse first. To make sure you marriage is full filling. Do these people have kids? Do they realize that when we are without our kids we really can't wait to get home and cuddle them? I know it doesn't leave much for our marriage when our kids are grown and out of the house. When it is just the two of us what will we do? Honestly...that time will come so fast that I want to be with my kids as much as possible (some days I will not admit this). Jonny and I will still have a marriage when that time comes...we are just working on it in a different way then the "experts" say we should.

5QF

Hop on over to My Little Life to join in on 5 Question Friday.

1. Did you pass your driver's test on the first try?

Why, yes I did!

2. What is your most embarrassing moment?
Too many to choose from...hmmm...I guess it would be the time that I had some bad stomach issue and did not make it to the bathroom (I can't believe I just posted that)

3. What TV show would you like to be on- Oprah, Biggest Loser, or What Not to Wear?
Definitely What Not to Wear! I need a new wardrobe. And I LOVE Stacey and Clinton.

4. Would you ever get plastic surgery and what kind?
I certainly would! Lets start with liposuction and then tummy tuck and a nose job. Maybe some new boobs or at least put them back where they belong.

5. What are your favorite jeans to wear?
Calvin Kline

Weaned

Sad


Nostalgic


Surprised


Happy


Relived


Thrilled


These have been the emotions I have been living with for the past 2 weeks. Why you ask? Well it has been just about 2 weeks since I completely weaned Zachy off the breast. I know he is almost 2 years old and that is just weird to some people (it used to be weird to me) but he was only nursing at nap and bed time. I finally bit the bullet and put an end to it. Why all the different emotions...Well...

Sad because he is growing up to fast.


Nostalgic because I miss him being a baby.


Surprised because it seemed so easy to do.


Happy because bed time is easier.


Relived because it went so well.


Thrilled to have my boobs to myself (and my husband).

Remembering

As I was reading some of my Facebook friends status update today (the ones from people without children), I started thinking back to my life before having kids. Jonny and I were so carefree, relaxed, easy going and slept well. It was not rare for us to throw some clothes in a bag on Friday evening and head out of town for the weekend or jump on the motorcycle at 7:00pm and head to Lake George (a 45 minute to 1 hour ride) to play mini golf or something as simple as going out to eat or go tanning. Life was easy and required no planning to leave the house for a simple errand or took days to plan for a babysitter so that I could go tanning (which I haven't done in over 3 years). I was feeling a little bit of jealousy, missing those carefree days.

Doesn't he look like an angel here

But then my little guy Zachy in his feety pj's climbs into my arms for some snuggle time. This is my life now. We snuggle, wipe noses, change diapers, wipe tears, shed tears, clean up messes, get sloppy kisses, warm hugs, no sleep, endless planning, few restaurants, and much more thankless, none thrilling sometimes frustrating tasks. As I sit in the chair snuggling Zachy I realize yet again that I am truly blessed and more than happy with where I am in my life and would not have it any other way. Then as the guilt starts creeping in for longing for my past life...I push it away. I have no reason to feel guilty about remembering or missing that part of my life. It was great and wonderful! I can love all the stages of my life and I can less than thrilled with other stages of it. Remembering the past is helpful in shaping my future.

Nut Allergy vs Virus

As I was stated in my last blog post, Zachy had so odd hives that we thought was because he had a few almonds. Our middle son Griffin has a peanut allergy so we have been very careful with giving Zachy any nuts but he has been exposed in the past so I did not think much of it. On this day (which was Wed) the boys had a snow day and we were all home. I had bought the Bold Almonds by Blue Diamond and was sharing them will Zachy, knowing we were not going anywhere and I could keep and eye on him for a reaction. Four hours later I put him down for a much needed nap. Shortly after falling asleep he wakes up crying. I ask Jonny to go up and rock him, which he does but doesn't not work. I then go up and take Zachy out if his crib and cuddle with him in our bed. I am rubbing his back and he is just fussy and whiny. Then I notice he is scratching at his thigh. I check it out to find his legs covered in blotchy hives. Being the experienced allergy mom, I immediately grab the Benadryl and give him a dose. Then I give the doctors office a call, mainly because with a nut allergy they need to know and I want to make sure that the hives I was seeing was from the almonds. After speaking with the nurse and her talking with the doctor they tell me to call in the morning and to give him Benadryl every six hours.

The Benadryl did its job, the hives disappear. Come morning they are back though. As soon as the Benadryl is out of his system the hives come back. After calling the doctors for a couple of days so they could have a report on him, they decide to check him out. The final diagnosis is that his virus (cold) that he has been fighting for weeks is causing the hives. The almonds would not be causing the hives for more that 4 days. The doctor tells us to switch to Zyrtec so that Zachy isn't so drowsy. Then to stop the Zyrtec after a week and see what happens and if the hives come back to call them again.
In the meantime we are setting up an appointment with an allergist to have him tested.