Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I don't know if I should be writing a post like this. But I really need to get this out and in the open. Sometimes it is hard to use the appropriate words when talking to someone with emotions running high so I was thinking if I write what I am feeling I might get it right. My husband has been on a funk lately and it feels like our marriage is slipping though our fingers. We have been here before with one or both of us in a "funk" but when it happens I feel like it is me and the boys living our lives and Jonny is just living "next to" us. We are just coexisting rather than sharing our life. Truly, I hate this feeling. I miss "us". I miss being with him, because right now I don't like being with him. When we are in the same room, it is so stressful I just want to leave. The friction or tension between us is huge and makes things very uncomfortable. Before you ask, I have tried to get him to talk, but he tells me "If I knew what was bothering me I would tell you, I just don't know". Well I believe that to an extent. I have had that feeling but it was my depression, and if he is feeling this way he should get help. If he is feeling like he wants out of the marriage and our life then I would like to know. Maybe we can get counselling and get back on track. I have been asking for us to get some marriage counselling for a while just so we don't get to the point of no return. The more I think about our marriage the more I am starting to understand what MckMamma has to say about her marriage which you can read here. One thing she says is maybe marriage is not meant to make you happy but to make you holy (she is a real God loving woman). And if you act like Jesus does and love the unlovable, respect when one acts disrespectful, and speak nicely even when they are not speaking nicely we become more holy. God loves us when we are unlovable, and we all feel good when we are loved even when we are unlovable. This brings a peace in you which will find its way into your marriage. If I stop wanting and waiting for Jonny to start making me happy, and I focus on making him happy, maybe just maybe it will come full circle and I will then be happy. Kind of confusing...yeah I know, just read MckMammas post. She can explain it better. But for now I am going to focus on my husband and choosing to love him and only him. What Jonny does I can't control, but I can be happy in believing in our marriage and knowing that God believes in it to.

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