Better Day

Today was a better day. Jonny came home early so I was able to run errands without the boys. I still had to bring Zachy up to my sisters. For some reason Jonny can't keep Zachy home with him. I just don't understand that. He was always fine with Ryan and ok with Griffin, but not Zachy. Anyway, it felt good to get out for a little while. I am hoping my friends are having a knitting night this week. I could really use a little more time away.

Cheated

Yesterday was a very hard day. I am sure part of it is my hormones and part is the kids are bored from being on vacation for two weeks. But I really lost it yesterday evening. I had listened to the boys fight, Griffin whine and cry and Zachy scream and cry all day. As I was trying to talk to Jonny's mom on the phone Zachy was screaming (for what appears to be no reason at all), fighting me the whole time that I was trying to feed him dinner, and then screaming and kicking when I was changing him. Griffin was being needy, just whining and complaining that he wants this, needs that and "nobody likes me" (which is becoming his phrase when he is not getting his way) while Jonny was in the living room watching hockey. Finally, I was over the edge! I had to set Zachy down and walk away. I went upstairs to my room and hid. As I lay on my bed in tears, all I wanted was my mom. Now, I haven't been that way in a long time. My mom is elderly and sick. She hasn't been able to be the Grandma to my kids the way she was with my nieces and nephews. I longed to have her be able to take my kids for a few hours, the way she used to with my sisters kids. If she was healthy and younger, I wouldn't be so stressed all the time. I would have her there to help me. When my sisters needed a break or just wanted to go to the store alone they would drop their kids off with my mom. Nothing was ever more important to my mother than her kids and grand kids. Her house may not have been spotless or her laundry done, but the kids were happy, fed, and entertained. I feel cheated that I don't have her in the way my sisters did. She would never say she was too busy to have the kids, or that she couldn't take them. Everyone was always at her house. There was always 5 to 7 kids running around and then someone would call or stop by and there would be more kids. That was just the way it was, and I am very jealous I don't have that luxury. I can't even call her to cry to her. My moms mind is gone, she has dementia. Half the time she thinks I am my sister Ellen. What I wouldn't give to have my mom the way my sisters had her. I guess I haven't mourned the loss of what my mom used to be. It is very hard to lose her mentally and then have to think about losing her physically also.

The best dog

I just had to share this picture of our dog, Cassie. She is really the best dog we could ever have asked for. Cassie is always watching out for the kids, and is always sweet and gentle with them. She would let me do almost anything to her. I brush her teeth, clip her nails, brush her fur and put silly hats on her head, all without her giving me any complaints. I am really having a problem with some people not liking her. She listens better than most dogs and has wonderful manners. There is only a few people she jumps on, and it is me that she is really under foot all the time. I can't image why some people just can't deal with her. I understand if someone doesn't like dogs, but she really isn't a hard dog to get along with. And if she is such a problem then don't come to my house. As simple as that.

Time with the boys

I am just sitting here trying to keep up on all that I have to do. It is 10:30 pm and I should be in bed. The boys had a rough night last night and were up a lot. I know it is because we got off schedule and they have be staying up late, but we have been having a lot of fun. Tonight, Jonny put them to bed at 7:00pm which is their normal bed time. I have a really hard time with putting them to bed that early. I like having some time with them after dinner. I can't image what I would do if I had to work out of the house until 5 and come home feed them dinner and put them to bed. There would be no time to enjoy them. Tonight after dinner we played basketball (Santa bought it for them) and air hockey (another gift from Santa). It was so much fun. The other night after dinner we played Flippin Frogs (which is harder than you might think) and read a couple of books. If I didn't have time with them all day and had to put them to bed so early I would be really sad. It must be hard on families to fit in quality time when you work so much. Although I have noticed some people just can't be with their kids for any length of time. Even though mine drive me nuts (see earlier post) I wouldn't have it any other way. They grow up too fast, this time is just too precious.

I sat snuggling my sleeping Zachy tonight. Jonny kept telling me to put him to bed. I just couldn't set him down. It won't be long and he will be too big to hold when he is asleep. So I just held on tight, kissed and hugged him as he slept. These special moments wash away all the toughness of the day.

Post Christmas

It is two days after Christmas. The mess is amazing and the boys are still fighting. We did get our tree down the day after Christmas. My husband can sometimes be the Grinch. He does not like to keep the tree up or keep the house decorated. I am not sure why other than he is a lot like his mother. I believe she does the same thing.

The boys got a lot of "stuff". Mostly good stuff but some junk that we already tried to weed out. They have a hard time parting with anything, but some things just are not worth keeping. I love the fact that they got a lot of games and books. We love to play games together, and of course we love to sit down with a good book. Ryan (my oldest) loves to read chapter books. Griffin loves any book and Zachy (the baby) loves to chew his books.

Christmas is such a magically time of year. The kids love to hear about Santa and the elves. They get excited about getting gifts, but this year they have really enjoyed giving gifts. Ryan made us two beautiful pictures and wrapped them himself. Both older boys really liked wrapping the gifts and signing the cards. They really enjoyed finding gifts that they thought people would like. We really tired hard not to go overboard with the gifts, but of course we did. Well, now I am ready for bed. I can't believe I am still awake.

Staying positive

We have started our Christmas break. The boys will be home from school for 2 weeks. Two whole weeks with all the boys home, I just might lose my mind. I am really trying to stay positive that it will be fun and we can do lots of thing. But it is the first Monday of break and they are at each others throats and the fighting is giving me a head ache. We were going to make cookies but they can't take turns with toys or TV so I doubt baking cookies will work. We have so much snow that it should be fun to play in but it is so cold. Maybe all the new Christmas toys will help.

Hello????

Sorry, another bitch fest. Ryan and Griffin are driving me nuts. Ryan used to have a lot of common sense for a 6 year old. All of a sudden he has none. I think when they go to school and start learning academics they lose their common sense. Must be not enough room in that little skull for all the info. For some reason he thought it would be fine to glue small pieces of wood together on the carpet in the living room...WTF! So I stop him and ask "Do you think that is a good idea?" "No" he says to me. I ask him why. He tells me it would make a mess. So, if he knew that why would he do it. I tell him to go in the kitchen and he proceeds to show me the glue isn't coming out well and what happens...All over the carpet. Again, WTF!! He just told me it would make a mess. I don't know, maybe I expect too much from him.

Then Griffin...Lucky he is cute or I would ship him off. I am up stairs trying to nurse Zachy and lay him down for a nap. He is at the stage when he hears something he has to look so he hasn't been nursing well. I have told the boys not to come into Zachy's room when I am nursing him unless someone is bleeding or the house is on fire. So, Griffin, comes in which I am not thrilled with but he is being quite. Next thing I know he is talking to the dog in the annoying baby voice he uses. I tell him to go down stairs but it is too late, Zachy is up looking around. I still try for the nap and lay him down. After a lot of crying (Zachy not me) I go back upstairs and try to nurse him again. I know (now that I am writing this) it doesn't seem like a big deal but at the time I just was at my limit.

Now Ryan has his friend over (Dillon) who is a very sweet boy. Ryan just has a hard time sharing his friends. It could be a long afternoon. Soon both boys will be on Christmas break for two weeks. I have a feeling it is going to be hard. I will have to schedule a lot of play dates for them.

Now I am off to make lunch.

Blessed

I am sitting here crying my eyes out at a tv show. Brothers and Sisters is a great show. It reminds me of my family. We are large and a little dysfunctional but always love each other and have fun. But in this episode a baby is very sick and needs a liver transplant. It is too hard to watch things like that. I am just so thankful that my kids are healthy. I could not image what it must be like to have a very sick baby. I just want to go upstairs and hold all three of my kids.

On a happier note: It is snowing!!! I just love this time of year. The snow makes everything beautiful. I just hope we get has much as they are calling for.

I had a great time at the knitting party. We did it again last night. It is so much fun, we sit and knit and gab. Just a great time with some ladies that understand me. We bitch about husbands and kids and other moms that make us mad. So far I love knitting! It gives me something to do with my hands when I am nursing the baby or watching a show. But today I can't knit, I should not be on the computer. Jonny is mad because yesterday I didn't get as much housework done as he thought I should. So today I have to get the rest done, just so I don't have to listen to him. Again he brought up the fact that I don't get the housework done even though I don't have daycare kids here. I guess that is what it boils down to. I am not making the money he wants and has to bitch about something. He doesn't understand that I still have our kids to feed and play with and nurse. I have to sit to nurse the baby, and when he isn't feeling well he nurses to comfort himself. I spend a lot of time with him on my boob. I wish the guys could understand that. All he says is "Just don't nurse him so often". Yeah that doesn't fly! Well enough bitching, I have to get my housework done.

Tonight I am off to a knitting party. My friends get together ever Thursday night to knit, talk and eat. This is the first time I am going, hopefully I will learn to knit. I have always wanted to, but just haven't found the time to learn. So I am off tonight and hopefully Jenny can teach me. I must be getting old to be excited about knitting. Oh well.

This is the first time I will be leaving the baby with anyone at bed time. I am leaving him with Jonny, but it might has well be a sitter. Jonny has never put the baby to bed. He is 8 months old today. Pretty sad his father hasn't done it yet. I will try to put him down before I leave but that is a little early. I bet I will get a call as soon as I get to Jenny's. Maybe I will have Courtney on back up so I can get out of the house for a little while (without children). Its funny, when I see someone out and about, they don't recognize me unless I have the kids. I can't tell you how many times that has happen. I always hear "I didn't know it was you without a baby on your hip or a child hanging off your arms". I think it is time I go out without any of them.

Cuddles

I am just sitting with Zachy asleep on my lap. This is one of the most wonderful things about being mom. Just holding my wonderful baby. I sit here breathing him in. I am sure it must sound odd, but the "smell" of my children just calms me. I love to feel their warm, smell that baby smell, and hear their breathing. It is really a blessing!

The kids and I had a wonderful day. We went to the grocery store and the mall. Everyone behaved wonderfully. It makes me feel good and proud that my kids can be so well behaved. Because sometimes it is just the opposite.

"good boy"

It has been a while since my last entry. I am just terrible about staying current on anything. That includes laundry, dishes and general housekeeping. Jonny (my husband) is usually pretty good at going these things when I slack off, but why does he need a pat on the back, the good boy, great job and thank you every time he does something. I don't get anything from him when I do it, and I get so mad to think it is because these things are viewed as "my job". I have never gotten at thank you from him for keeping the kids feed, clothed, cleaned and safe every day. For playing endless rounds of Candyland and trucks so that they don't bother him. I am sorry, I might just be tired, because I am the one that gets up with all three kids, while he snores on.

On a lighter note...I am so Thankful for everything I have. My kids are wonderful and healthy, my family was all together for Thanksgiving, and I have the best time being able to volunteer at the kids school. For that I have to thank my husband. He really has done everything to make it possible for me to not have to work. So, I guess I can suck it up and pat him on the back when he does the dished "for me" as he likes to put it.

Driving me CRAZY

This in one of the days when being "MOM" is hard. Griffin has been sick, but doing much better. Although, he is driving me crazy. It has been endless...he is always climbing on me, following me around, and nonstop whining. Sometimes I just can't handle it. And today is one of those days. I have tried to be patient with him but around 6:00pm I just lost it.
So far on this blog it has been me just gushing about being a mom. But today is one of those days I would change my "name" in a second. He whines "mooommmmmyyyy" and all the hair on the back on my neck stands up and every muscle tenses. He has sat with me all day, followed me room to room (yes even the bathroom) and has watched me bath his baby brother. All the while asking for juice, hugs, tissues, blankie, new socks, chicken nuggets (which he didn't eat), all the things he can get himself. I understand he needs more attention, more cuddles and hugs because he is sick but I have had enough. He has cried because is older brother breathes on him, touched him, laughs, and even because Ryan sat on the couch.

This is one of the examples of loving your kids while you don't really like them. But tomorrow may be different. He just might be my favorite tomorrow. We will see.

Long days, short nights.

It has been a long couple of days. With very short nights. Griffy has been sick with the croup. Talk about awful!! Thursday night we didn't get more than 2 hours sleep for the whole night. He was running a very high fever, awful sore throat, and the worst cough I have heard in a long time. My heart just broke for him. Not to mention it was pretty scary. Every time the poor guy would lay down his airway would close (the croup swells the throat). The only way he could sleep was sitting straight up, so he would lean against me and try to sleep only to wake up with such a sore throat he would be screaming. The doctor gave him an oral steroid and we need to keep using his inhaler. Yesterday was pretty bad also. He would cough and then cry because it hurt so badly, and then he would throw up. Being only 3 years old (almost 4) he couldn't make it to the bathroom to throw up, so we had quite the mess in the kitchen to clean up. Lucky for me, Jonny was able to come home to clean it while I gave Griff a bath.

Today he is much better. He slept all night without any problems and woke up with a much looser cough (good sign). He as been back to normal today, a little tired and coughing some.

It can be really hard being a mom. When your kids are sick and there is nothing you can do really hurts. Listening to you child struggle to breath is unbearable, but that is all part of being a mom.

Thurs Nov 20

It has been a few days since my last entry. Not much has been happening. The normal, laundry, picking up, grocery shopping. I really enjoy my days now that I don't have daycare. I am so much more relaxed and happy.

The house smells great today. I am making sauce for lasagna tonight. I love the smell of sauce cooking, it reminds me of when I was a kid and mom would make sauce and everyone would come home for dinner. We are having Jodi and Ted over for dinner tonight. Oddly, this is the first time they will be here for dinner. I can't believe we have never had them over. We have family dinner with my side of the family almost every Saturday. I can't imagine not sitting down to dinner with my family a few times a month. The boys even look forward to family dinner night. It is just a nice tradition. We sit down for dinner and the conversation starts flowing, then the laughter. I think it brings us closer as a family, which is needed in this world now a days. Most of the time we never make it back into the living room, we just sit around the table talking and laughing. Sometimes we play cards and have coffee with dessert. The kids play games together and the dogs run around. Sitting here writing about family dinner night really makes me feel grateful that we do it. Jonny has ask if we have to do it every Saturday, and well, as I write this I am thinking "why wouldn't we want to". It is just so wonderful.

First Snow, Thankful Nights

I was so happy to wake up today to see some snow! That is November in Vermont, one day it is almost 60 degrees and we are wearing T-shirts the next day there is snow on the ground. I just love it. Snow also helped get the boys out of bed this morning. What little boy doesn't love snow? Ryan jumped up to look out the window, he never jumps out of bed.

Last night:
As I lay in bed last night listening to the baby monitor I was thanking God for our little guy Zachy. He wasn't a planned pregnancy (far from it) but honestly he was the most wanted. My husband Jonny decided for us that we were not having any more children after Griffin. I agreed with him because sometimes life is just easier if we agree with him. But a couple of years later, life had a different plan for us. After the initial shock, I was more than thrilled. Who wouldn't be thrilled with a little baby?! And just so happy that the choice was taken out of our hands. We didn't have to agree or disagree, there was no discussion. He was just on his way. I have to tell you, having a third baby and knowing that it was our last, I was able to truly enjoy everything. When you are a new first time mom, you really don't know how to enjoy it all. You just don't know what to look for. With our second child I was just so tired all the time to think about relishing in the fact I have another baby. Our third is just a blessing in every way. Knowing that he was our last made me just enjoy every little thing. It also helps that Zachy is just the most happy little guy, easy going, sleeps most of the night and nurses well. If anyone reading this thinking about having a third child. Go for it! The third is just an amazing, wonderful addition.

Life with Jonny

This is my husband, Jonny. For the most part he is a wonderful husband. Overall he is a great guy. Sometimes we do not see eye to eye, but in what marriage does that happen. I must say I am not always the easiest to get a long with. I can be moody and snappy. I have battled with depression since after our first son was born. It is hard for people to understand depression unless you have it. Some days I feel like Jonny just does not want to be here. Maybe it is a man thing or maybe it is just the depression distorting my views. My depression is under control. I try not to use my illness as an excuse for my behavior or thoughts. Although it would explain a lot of my outburst. Anyway, Jonny is a great father to our boys. He plays with them, is involved in their schooling and really tries to be patient with them. It is very hard for him to be patient. He is very strict, likes order and peace. Unfortunately with 3 boys that rarely happens in our house. Jonny forgets what he was like as a young boy. I am sure he was not the angel he claims he was.
Most of the "big" decisions in our life swings in Jonny's favor. Like I said before, it is just easier that way. We usually talk about it but I usually just go with the flow. Now I don't want anyone to think I don't get my way, I just have to make him think it was his idea. Something I have learned in the 13+ years we have been together. He still is the love of my life. (What a sap!)

Starting the blog

I honestly have no idea what I am doing starting this blog. I just want to journal my days with the hope that someone might stumble upon this blog and enjoy my story and feel like they can relate. I am a wife to a very good guy. Most of the time he is a great husband. We are parents to 3 little boys, Ryan is 6, Griff is almost 4 and Zachy is 7 months. They are wonderful and very exhausting. Our family also includes Cassie. She is our 2 year old Australian cattle dog.
I used to run a daycare in our home but have stopped that to focus on our children and be able to volunteer at their schools. It feels great to be able to do this. For the longest time I was "stuck" at home with the daycare kids. I felt disconnected from adults and longed for some adult interaction. I still have days like that but we are able to get out and do things. The only "downfall" is that I don't get a lot of house work done. I am free to leave the house so I feel like I should be on the go. The kids behave better when we are out, so it really makes for a less stressful day. Until my husband comes home. He is usually not too happy that the laundry isn't done or the dishwasher needs to be emptied. But overall I am a lot happier which leads to the children and my husband being happier.