Very sad

I am praying this family can find peace. Their little baby girl, Tuesday, passed away. Cancer took its toll on her. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. It is such a terribly sad thing to lose a child.

I'm a winner!!!

I am so excited to win the book "Why?" by Vernon Brewer. C.C. at His Heart, held a contest for the book, and I won! Yayyyyyy. I almost never win anything. Thank you C.C. I can't wait to read it.

Yesterday, I went to my first woman's small group meeting at the Church. It was fun. A bunch of women sitting around drinking coffee, having muffins, talking about a book we are all reading. The book is "Practicing our Faith" by Dorothy Bass. The chapter we read and talked about was Keeping Sabbath. How perfect would it be to really hold Sabbath and have a whole day for rest. I think we are really going to give it a try. Anyway, what a good time I had. I can't wait to go again.

Today I saw my sister Gia. It is always nice to have her come home. She is leaving on a cruise on Monday. Am I jealous? Yes! Happy for her? Thrilled!! We almost peed laughing so hard playing Wii. Seriously, I think we are going to require people to wear depends when playing. Boxing is the best. It works your arms and abs, but also, with us being fat over weight our large asses jiggle when we play. How funny!!! It is really a blast. I can't wait until she gets her Wii and we can play together over the Internet (because she lives in Maine and I live in Vermont). Although, the most funny game to watch us play in the cow racing. Hope everyone can play that sometime.
Until later...
Dawn

Unbelieveable

I just have to share this. Some people will think I am nuts (well more nuts than we thought). As part of educating myself about religion and prayer, I pick up this Prayer book for everyday women. I have never really prayed before recently, and didn't know how. I have prayed for children to be taken care of and health of others, but I didn't know if I was doing it right. That sounds silly I know, but I picked up this book on sale really cheap. Another sign for God - oh that is another story for later. Anyway last night after my family went to bed I was flipping though this prayer book. I came a cross a prayer for self discipline...holy crap, I could use some (so my new religious out look is not changing my gutter mouth, some things even God can't change). Even a little motivation. Well there was one for that. So I read this out loud just to hear them, and after award think, I could use some motivation and self discipline when it comes to cleaning my house. Silly right, why would God or some higher power care if my house was clean.
Now, I am not a clean freak, no where near. I can let the dishes pile up, the rug be covered in dog hair, live out of laundry baskets, and get rings around the tub. My husband and mother -in-law are usually the ones to do most of the house work. I rather play with my kids. So, anyway, I woke up this morning and as usual checked my email and blog, fed the boys, packed Ryan's lunch and sat down to play with Zachy and Griffin. For some strange reason I got up and decided to do the dishwasher, without thinking about it. Then put Zachy down for a nap and did a little laundry. Zachy wakes up, I change his diaper and put him down to play. Then head to the hall closet without even thinking about it and pull the vacuum out. After I vacuumed the living room, hallway, stairs and half the kitchen, it hits me. I didn't have to struggle to do this...I wasn't even thinking about it. Normally I have to psych myself up to get cleaning, it may take hours or days, that's how much I really hate housework. But today without even thinking about it I was cleaning, at the same time Zachy was scooting all around me and the vacuum, happily playing not crying because my attention wasn't on him. Griffin was happy watching a show without me in the room (which never happens). I cleaned the stove and oven and counters. Now let me say that I understand God doesn't have time or energy to waste on getting me to do house work, but it would take some almighty power to get me off my ass and clean. Maybe my little housework prayer worked or I am getting my period. Whatever it was I am not chancing that it wasn't the prayer. I will keep praying, if nothing more than to make myself feel better.

Please pray for Cora

This sweet beautiful girl is fighting stage four cancer. Please pray for her and her family. Even if you don't believe in God, keep this little girl in your thoughts. She needs a miracle... Please pray for Cora. Please, please, Please!

Here we are playing Wii

Our Wii master Ryan





We all played Wii bowling together tonight. It was nice, but I do miss playing board games. Maybe tomorrow night I will have to pull out one of our old favorites and put my foot down about playing less wii. I always have to be the meanie about video games. As you can see from this video Daddy likes to play as much as the boys.

Let me explain...

Let me explain my updated "about me section"

For those of who know me, it is weird to hear me speaking of God, religion and faith. I haven't "found" God as in finding a person, but more like I have found myself believing in a supreme being, more to the story than this, a higher power sort of thing. Most of my life I have never believed any anything other than "this is life". I am not sure if it is because I am getting older, having children or just the time, but I really "believing" in something more. It comforts me in a way I have never been comforted. The reason bad things happen isn't just because life sucks sometimes, but there is a reason beyond my own existence.
As far as "hearing" God. I am not hearing voices (well sometimes, JK HeeHee). I just have a feeling, sense, something I can't really explain, in my life. Never has this happened until recently. I have been pushing it aside for a while, but the last few months I have been listening, feeling, and I have some comfort in it.
I find myself looking forward to going to church on Sunday, and I am loving learning about God, Christ, and everything that goes along with them. I don't expect everyone to find God the way I have, but I just want everyone to look and learn. Maybe there is nothing for you, but what if there is. Only good can come from looking.
Enough of my soap box. Thanks for listening, and if my new found faith is annoying you - just tell me to stop talking about it.

A Snow Day??!! Why?

Here we are in another snow day. When we got up this morning it was barely snowing. The weather report calls for a lot of snow, but not until this afternoon. So, why did they call a snow day? Not really sure, but the boys will be going to school into the middle of summer at the rate we are going. Not to mention, I am home with all three boys. I guess I will let them play wii.

I just uploaded some cute pics that I would like to share. I know they are my kids, but God they are cute!!
Here is Zachy scooting across the floor. For some reason he will not crawl. He doesn't like to get his hands dirty. Must have gotten that one from his Aunt Erin. LOL He is moving faster now. This video is from a few days ago.




And this is Zachy trying to stand at his "Sing-a-long stage" which is the best toy. He just loves it.




Well enough blogging for now. I have a ton of housework to do. Jonny will not be happy if something is not done. Enjoy your snow day, if you are having one.

At least Wii are together

Our family now has a Wii. We have been trying to get one for a while. But in this little town in Vermont it is hard to find anything. Since we set it up we have been playing pretty regularly. I still view it as a video game. Even if the boys are up and moving they should not be using it all day. I have started putting limits on the amount of time they can use it per day. At least we all are playing it together. I even hold Zachy while playing the games. Which I was going to tell my new blogger friend at The Fat Girl Smiles that I have been getting some exercise playing these games. It sounds lame but my arms and tummy muscles were feeling it after playing a little boxing yesterday. Not to mention, if you are like me, you can't just sit and play. I have to stand up and jump around, just like when I play tennis in real life or bowling, and boxing (not that I have ever boxed in my life). I might start developing bigger muscles in my right arm, but oh well. I also get a better work out because I am holding the baby while playing. My husband wants to get a video of me boxing. I guess besides jumping around like a mad man, I am wiggling my butt. Not sure why I do that. If we video it, I will might upload it for you all to see.

Now I have some personal issues that I just have to get off my chest. If you don't want to know anything about my sex life STOP HERE! I won't be graphic, but it may be TMI for some of you.

Here it goes: My husband, Jonny, and I have a rather healthy sex life. We have had our ups and downs, right now being up. I love having sex with my husband and most of the time it is good, really good, great even. I am just wondering why is there this need for boob grabbing. Not while we are in the act, but throughout the day or evening. I am sure before I was a breastfeeding mom it would have been fine foreplay but now...My breast are milk bags. They are handled all day and just are not sex objects right now. A little caressing would be better, a little massage. I have tried to tell him in a subtle way that it just does not turn me on. More like turn me off. Anyway...I just need to get that off my chest. HeeHee. Enough with my personnel information. Stop on over to The fat girl smiles and see what us fat girls are all about.

"Not Me!" Monday

It is Monday already. I have a list a mile long for our weekly "Not Me!" Monday post. MckMama has started this wonderful posting that we all admit to (I mean not admit to) our flaws/mistakes/bad decisions for the week. If you would like to join in the fun click on over to Mckmama at my charming kids and join the list.

So here we go.....

My husband did not drive 4 hour round trip just to buy a Wii. Because our small town has been out of Wii's since before Christmas. We would never to something so silly. Not us!!
Then we would never stay up way to late playing the Wii, laughing at our selves until we almost wet our pants. Nope, Not Me!
I didn't rip the seam of my black dress pants right on the butt, at a funeral, while squatting down to smell some flowers. Not me, that would never happen! Nor would I start to laugh because of it. I was at a funeral, that would be rude!!
My perfect little angel baby Zachy did not have a leaky poop diaper. And I would never ask my 6 year old to go get him out of his crib. Which then said leaky diaper did not leak on my 6 year old's hand and arm, leading him to set Zachy down on the carpet. When he did not scoot across the carpet leaving a 2 foot line of poop on our carpet. Not our perfect children. I did not laugh when seeing the mess, what kind of classy woman would do that. It was Not Me that laughed at my 6 year old for poop on his arm. Not me, that would not be a nice mommy. HeeHee!
It was Not Me that forgot to pack Ryan's library book. I do not forget things, Not Me.
I did not lie to my kids that their cousins were napping so I didn't have to take them sledding. It was way to cold!
I am not extremely jealous of Mckmama being on a cruise right now, or jealous that a friend of mine has tickets to Red Sox games once a month for the whole season, not jealous of my niece following her dream and starting school again. Not me I am not the jealous type. But if I was jealous it with the utmost happiness for them.
I would never do anything of those things, Not Me! And I would never admit to them. Haha
What did you Not do this week. Join the fun over at Mckmama's or just read everyone elses list, it will give you lots of laughes.

A wonderful Sunday!

Today was a wonderful Sunday! Although it was really cold outside, we were warmed by friends and family all around us. This morning started out with our new "normal" Sunday at church. I am really liking attending church services at Grace. I find myself looking forward to going. Since this was only our second time going, I am hoping I continue to enjoy it. Grace is so welcoming and family friendly, which is what I am really looking for. The boys seem to be liking it also. This morning Ryan started giving me a hard time about going. I think it has more to do with the fact that Jonny isn't going with us. But I explained to him that going to church is something that is very important to me right now and we are going. He seemed to accept that and by the time we got to church he was fine. They are getting comfortable with being there. As a matter of fact, Ryan took Griffin to the bathroom without having an adult with him. The boys also did the children's service. Which is going up to the front of the sanctuary and have something read to them, pray or answer some questions as a group. I am so proud of them! Maybe they will go to the church school next Sunday. My sister-in-law Jodi joined us this morning. I do wish she had come with us last week. Although it still was a very nice sermon, last weeks was just more touching. It was nice to share my new found belief with someone. I hope she will join us again.

This afternoon the older boys and I went the the field house for some ice skating. We were meeting up with some new friends of ours. Griffin really didn't like it last time we were there, but today he was awesome! He grabbed a couple of milk crates and off he went. He didn't care that we were not with him. He was just so happy to be on the ice. Ryan of course did really well. He is just a natural at any sport. But at first he did not want to go on the ice. I did not have any skates so I could not go out with them, and our friends had not shown up yet. And we all know Ryan has to have someone (other than Griffin) with him to be able to do something the first time. But with Griffin out there all by himself, I told Ryan to just go skate with him. He finally did and then our friends showed up, so all was good. I had a great time talking to Nora, and the kids had a great time with her children, Ashley and Dillon. I hope we can all do it again sometime.

We finished off a wonderful day with ordering a bunch of Girl Scout Cookies and having Ted's pizza for dinner.

Family Dinner

Right now I am so tired! I really should be in bed, but I am addicted to blogging. We had family dinner tonight at my sister, Ellen's, house. It was really fun! We love having Jeremy and Erin around. We miss them so much. I can't be happier that they are moving closer. Their two boys are really getting comfortable with my family. They are just the cutest.

Odds and ends

I have nothing really important to write about (not that my blog ever has really important stuff). I just wanted to gush a little about my wonderful kids and post a few pictures that I took over the last couple of weeks.
My little Zachy is being the wonderful baby we all know and love. Today at the grocery store he was sure to smile and giggle and baby talk to everyone in the store. I love getting the comments about how cute and happy his is. Usually when I go the store I have 3 or 4 kids and all I hear is "wow, you have your hands full" even when the kids are being very good and quiet. I don't think having 3 kids is a lot and when I have Becca that makes 4. Did everyone forget not that long ago it wasn't unusual to have 5 or 6 kids. I have a mere 3, really its not that hard (well, sometimes it is).
Griffin is being extra lovable and huggy. He just wants to cuddle and love us. In between the whining and tantrums that 4 year old have.
That leaves my oldest Ryan. He is such a sensitive guy. He does really think of others a lot. With Brads death he has been really concerned about Abby, Becca and Lynn. He made a wonderful card for them. We are told that Ryan has befriended a little Autistic boy in his class. Ryan tells us how A is his best friend. Ryan takes good care of A. He also helps this little girl L. She has had a very hard life and Ryan helps her with hew tray at lunch, her coat, her backpack and all the little things this girl needs. He is the first one to offer to help with A. When we pick Ryan up from school every child walking by makes sure to say good-bye to him. He is well liked and very nice to all the kids at school. Yesterday I noticed the new little girl was seated next to Ryan. I wonder if it is best he is such a nice boy.
Last but not least. My husband Jonny. I am extremely luck to have him (for the most part). He does a lot of the house work, laundry, and yard care. He does really well taking care of the boys (maybe a little improvement with Zachy). He loves taking Griffin to school and picking both boys up if he can. He tries to include the boys in the work around the house.
I guess by writing this post I am really saying how thankful I am for having such a wonderful family, and I wouldn't be able to carry on without any of them. I am truly blessed.

Funeral

Today was the funeral for my cousin's husband. I feel so badly for Lynn. I can't begin to image the pain she is in. She has two little girls, who I have taken care of since they were 4 months old. Her youngest, Becca, had a melt down in church. It is just to hard for her to understand what is going on and to be in the pew with her family was just to confining for a 2 year old. I ended up taking Becca out of the church until she calmed down. Then we waited for the funeral to be over in the foyer reading books. Those two girls lost their father and Lynn lost her husband. What a sad day. I just pray the find some comfort in the days to come.

What a great and wonderful day to be an American!

**Tuesdays post. For some reason I just never hit the post button****

I can't tell you how happy I am to have Pres Bush out of the White House. Obama is what America needs. This is probably the most positive event in the history we are making. Our children's children will be reading about this day in their history classes and I am so happy to have a hand in making it happen. Yes I voted for Obama and I am so happy it worked out the way it did. I don't understand how people can not like him. Just listening to him speak is a breath of fresh air. Now down off my soap box...

Today we spent the day playing on our wii. I can't believe I was allowing the kids to play it so much but it is soooooo fun. I almost wet my pants laughing so hard at myself. I think this is something that needs to be played at the next family dinner. Although, I think we will need to be wearing adult diapers. It is that funny!!
My angel baby is back. He has been so grumpy, but today he was his normal happy self. All his giggles and smiles were back and little to no whining today. I am so happy to have my happy guy back.

"Not Me!"

I have been waiting for Mck mama to post the "Not me! Monday". I am sure I have a lot to claim I didn't do:
It certainly wasn't me that missed my sons school bus on Friday. I never run late. LOL
I did not forget my dog was outside on the really cold days we have been having, making her shiver for a while after finally letting her in. That would just be awful and make me feel terrible!
It wasn't me that got short tempered with the kids, off and on all week. Not me! I would never, I am always cool and level headed.
I did not stay up until mid night watching DVR shows. I wouldn't waste time doing that, Not Me! I would do something much more productive.
It was not me that drank one Mojito, feel like I am drunk and talk like an idiot to my neighbor. I would never be that much of a light weight or be so embarrassing in front of others.
I didn't let the laundry pile up, making my husband do it. Not me, I always do the laundry! (this pretty much happens all the time. My mother-in-law or husband do most of our laundry.)

Jazz Sunday

Today was the first time I took the boys to a church service. To be honest this is the first time I have gone to a church service at "our" church and it has many many years since I have been to any sort of church service. What a Sunday to go to church...it was just wonderful. Grace Congregational had a Jazz Sunday, which means they had a wonderful Jazz band playing in the Sanctuary. The Onion River Jazz band was just amazing. The boys (and myself) were just enthralled and uplifted by the music they were playing. Ryan loved the tuba, and Griffin loved every bit of it.
As most of you know, I am not one to go to church and pray. But I have been feeling like I need some sort of spirituality. Which is why we went today. The sermon by Rev. Tracy really hit home for me. I could really relate to what she had to say. It wasn't just reading out of the bible, she spoke about now and the how we live today. That really helped me stay attentive. I really had a lot to take out of her sermon. The whole service was inspiring to me. I really felt a connection to what was said and what hymns were sung. I apparently really needed this. And for the past few weeks I think I have been gently pushed towards God. I have never felt this way and for those of you who know me, probably never thought you would hear me say this. But the last couple of weeks there has been all these "signs" that led me towards God. The topper was Brad's death. I really felt the need to attend church and really have a connection to God. The boys did really well at church. I packed a bag of trucks, crayons, books, and cheerios so the had something to do. I was really hoping they would go to the Sunday school class, but they wanted to stay with me. Maybe next week they will go to the class.
Tomorrow is "Not Me! Monday". I can't wait to read all the things people did (didn't) do this week, it is so nice to see we are all human.

Sad News...

Last night we got a shocker of a phone call. My cousin Lynn, who has became a good friend and I also take care of her 2 year old daughter Becca, went home from work and found her husband dead on the sofa. I can't believe it. Brad was so young, maybe 45, and they have 2 little girls. I feel so badly for Lynn and her family. I wish there was something I could do for her. I am at a loss, would be appropriate for me to make dinner for them?
I also am not sure how my boys would be affected by this. They don't understand all that well, when we told them what happen. Ryan was also close to Lynn at school. She is a teacher at his school and was there to help him when he was having a hard time at the beginning of the year. Both boys loved Brad. When he would come here to drop Abigail off from school, the boys would play and goof around with him. They really enjoyed seeing him.

I think this just re enforces my need to attend church and the boys go to church school on Sundays. They would have the faith to help them understand death, and have some idea what happens after people die.
This is Becca. She is a sweet, talkative little girl. She is only 2, and will probably never remember her dad. How sad.

New Path

As most of you know, I am on the School Broad at Grace Preschool. I just love doing that, it is just a volunteer position, and maybe that is why it is so rewarding. Anyway, the school is in Grace Congregational Church, and we decided to send our boys there, not because we are church goers, but because it is an excellent school. But lately I have been feeling like I need something more. I thought it was that I need a sense of community, but as I have been reading other peoples blogs about religion and faith, I came to realize that maybe I need a little faith. I have been thinking of attending a couple of church services just to see if indeed I that is what I am missing. While all this was going on in my brain, I haven't really told anyone, my oldest son Ryan ask me "who is God and what is heaven? What happens when people die?" Those were hard question for me to answer, I can give him the science of what happens to people when they die but the questions of God and Heaven was really hard for me. Maybe it was a sign for me that we as a family need to gain so insight into religion. Last night at the board meeting in the church I talked a little to Rev. Tracy and a couple of the other women that are very active in the church. I also talked with another mom that is going though the same situation that I am. Which brings me to the decision to attend a couple of church services and have the boys go to the church school at that time. It couldn't hurt and the community that I have also been craving would be fulfilled with a wonderful group from the church. What better people to feel connected to. I also was invited to come to the woman's group that meets ever other week. I think I will go to that meeting also. I need to learn more about God, Jesus and all that. I really feel for the first time in my life, that I am missing out on having that faith and belief.

Here is Griffin at school singing holiday songs.

Not enough sleep. Ugh...

Last night was another time with no sleep. Zachy was up four times. I am not sure if he is teething or if his tummy is bothering him, but he just isn't having good nights. Ryan got up because his pull up leaked in his bed, so he ended up in our bed. He isn't a big guy but he is so bony that it hurts to sleep with him. Its all elbow and knees. Now I have a terrible headache and still have a board meeting tonight at the preschool. I don't know if I am going to make it through the whole meeting. They usually go until 9:00 pm.

On a brighter note, my neice Kate is doing well in her culinary school. She has had two days of class and still loves it. I am so proud of her. She took a giant leap to follow her passion. If only we all had the courage to do that. You can follow her adventures on her blog.

"Living" with depression

I have a lot to say on the topic of depression. I understand it, I have been living with depression for years. I used to say "suffering" but now I choose to say "living" with depression. I realize, mostly because of my sister, that there is definitely a difference. A little more than a year ago my sister tried to commit suicide. Since then it has been a rocky road. For her, but also for all of us who love her. I am at the point were I am just sick of it all. It doesn't seem like she is choosing to live her life. She is stuck in the suffering mode and it is driving us all crazy. I know she has had a really hard time getting a handle on her depression, she tried to kill herself, has done inpatient therapy, has had ECT and is now seeing a therapist and using some meds. But I have a feeling that she is waiting for something to make her feel better rather than working on it herself, trying to feel better. Than I start wondering if her depression is really so bad still or if she is just really unhappy in her life. She has so much negativity but never does anything to change things. It is like dealing with my 4 year old. He gets mad and just pouts so I am always saying "Use your words and tell people why your upset. When you just pout no one knows what is bothering you." My sister gets mad or upset and just pouts. Hello...you are an adult use your words and tell people (especially her husband) what is bothering you. It is a hard lesson to learn, but come on, if you tried to kill yourself wouldn't you try anything to make yourself more happy. Maybe getting your feelings heard will help. And stop the "suffering" make yourself start living, it really is not that hard to get up and do something. Even if you feel like staying in your pjs all day. If you know that isn't healthy for you, then don't do it. If your therapist suggest strategies to help yourself, maybe using them might work. Give things a try, be proactive on your own road to recovery. When my depression starts sneaking up on me, I might have to try a couple different things to start feeling better. If one doesn't work, I will try another or two. I don't know but I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of the suicide attempts. And I hate living on the edge like that. I wish she would just try to help herself. It just might work. Maybe that is what she is afraid of??

Seriously!

***Correction*** Our Tuesday morning. That is what happens to moms, their brains turn to mush....

We are off to a great start to our Thursday morning...Baby Zachy did not sleep well last night, Griffin came into our bed at 2 ish and Ryan can in around 5am. Apparently I was not meant to get any sleep last night. And I should have known better but I stayed up past 11pm waiting for Jonny to come home.
When my alarm went off this morning I was not happy. The snooze button is too handy, Jonny ended up having to drag me out of bed. I showered and made it down stairs before Becca (the little girl I take care of) arrived. After Jonny left to bring Ryan to the bus stop, I went to the potty. Apparently it was bad timing. Griffin yells to me "Mommy, I need you!", my heart almost stops, I jump up and run out of the bathroom with my pants down around my knees. As I am trying to pull my pants up, I can't find Griffin. "Where are you?" I yell. "In Daddy's room" (which is our computer room). I stumble in the computer room, thinking the computer will be on the floor, or Griffin has cut his finger with my craft scissors, but nope. Griffin is sitting at Jonny's desk with a marker and paper, he looks up at me with his professor look though his glasses and says "I need your help drawing a man jumping into the pool I made". What! Seriously! All I could do is laugh and draw his man jumping into the pool. Shaking my head and laughing to myself I go back into the bathroom.

Waiting Patiently

This is my niece, Kate, holding angel baby Zachy the day he was born. She has always been there for me and right now I am sitting here waiting so very patiently for her to update her blog. Today was her first day at Culinary school. I am so excited for her! I do miss her being at PCT, she would have time to email throughout the day. Now she is at school or her new job with no time for emails. I hope she blogs tonight or I will have to give her a call.

As for our Monday: It was hard. Something is up with my angel baby, Zachy. He has cried all day, which is not like him. He is usually a very happy little guy, but today he wasn't sure what he wanted and nothing made him happy. Right now I am listening to him cry over the monitor, because he is really having a hard time falling asleep. He had little naps today, one of which was on Daddy. That was the only way he would sleep, somebody would have to be holding him. I was happy that Jonny took the time to hold him, and rock him while he slept. Jonny usually isn't home or too busy to hold the baby for any length of time. I guess that is the price we have to pay to have me home full time, without working.

Not me Monday

It wasn't me who let my 6 year old have oreos for breakfast. Nor was it me that allowed the boys to play video games 3 or 4 times a day. The rule in this house is once a day! I didn't run out of milk and but the boys to bed without their before bed cup of milk. I am sure there is a lot of other thing I did not do, I just can't remember them all. Please join me in Mckmama's not me Monday by clicking on the Not me Monday button.

Monday blues

Boy is it ever a Monday! It started off pretty good, then within 30 minutes of getting out of the shower the typical Monday reared its ugly head. Becca came and just cried for her mom as she left for work. Then as we are trying to get out the door to meet the bus, Ryan decides he needs something to eat (I can never get him to eat on a normal day). So, not wanting to pass up getting him to eat breakfast I cave in and let him have oreos. I know, not the best thing, sugar and more sugar, but a least he dunked them in milk. LOL We then dash out the door to meet the bus which luckily was running late also. Griffin who always loves to go to school whines that he doesn't want to go today, he wants to stay home with me. He gets over that quickly, but it is just one more whine that I don't want to hear. Jonny is off to get Griffin to preschool. The bus picks up Ryan. Becca, Zachy and I settle in back home for a quiet morning. Wrong - Zachy got up to early so his routine was off, he didn't want his breakfast and wouldn't nurse. Just kind of crying, whining and finally went back to bed. Ryan's teacher calls, he is very upset and crying because he forgot his mittens (or daddy didn't pack them). Normally not a problem for me to run them to school but I was not about to wake Zachy. I let her know I will bring them up as soon as I can. Taking a chance I call Jonny and he is able to bring Ryan his mittens. Jonny reports back that Ryan was still quite upset that as soon as he saw Jonny he started crying all over again. Jonny hugs him and tries to assure him if it happens again we will just bring them up. I just don't know about that boy. He is so sensitive. We can't throw off his routine in the least without throwing him into a funk for the whole day. I hope he shakes it off before he gets home from school.

Beautiful Day

We woke up this morning to a beautiful snowy day. The snow is falling but the sun is out. It is just gorgeous. Ryan and Griffin have already been out to play, and now are waiting for Daddy to come pick them up to go plowing. It will be just Zachy and I for a while. I love having the baby all to myself. Sounds a bit selfish but he is growing so fast. I don't want to miss a second of him. At 9 months old he still wakes once a night (most of the time) to nurse. I really don't mind it, I might grumble a little when I first get out of bed, but once he is in my arms everything is just perfect.

Walking baby

I know walkers are not safe...blah blah blah. I have had 3 kids and this is the first one I have allowed to use a walker. He just loves it! And if we supervise him, what harm can it do? He is so much happier and my back has been saved. After weeks of walking him around the house holding my hands, I broke down and bought a walker. It is wonderful!!

Advice???

I am a little annoyed today. As I was enjoying my first cup of coffee, I was blissfully checking my email before the baby woke up. What do I find...a bit of advice...from someone that should be giving advice to their own family. Now I am not saying I am above getting advice. I know I am not perfect, but this bit of advice was clearly miss guided. This well meaning woman assumes I am overwhelmed with my children because they are so close in age and I must be "trying to do to much". What I need to do is let the house go and enjoy my children. ."let the children live and play...that's why you had them, right?" Excuse me!!!......who are you to be questioning why I had my children. My children are spaced a gracious 2 and a half years apart and then 3 years apart. That is not Too Close. More so, I am the mom that has left 2 jobs to be with my children. The first to do daycare so I could be home and "enjoy" my child. Just recently I stopped doing daycare to be more involved with my children. I am the mother that hand folds paper towels because my angel baby is allergic to store bought wipes. I am the mother that nursed my three children and co sleeps in the family bed. My house is almost always a disaster because I choose to play with my children rather then waste the precious time I have with them cleaning or doing laundry. Anyone who doubts this can ask my mother-in-law who spends Saturday morning cleaning and folding laundry. I am always in sweat pants so I can be down on the floor with them, playing games, building blocks, playing trucks or babies. We bake together, read books, sing and laugh. But yes, in all the time we have together I get annoyed as any normal person would. Even though I am home with them they are far from perfect. They fight and yell and make bad choices....hello, they are kids. If I didn't get annoyed or overwhelmed at times I wouldn't be human or I would be living in complete denial. As much as I am a stay at home mom with 3 boys I am also an intelligent, fairly well educated person with a brain that likes to be used for something more than mothering. To be a mentally healthy (as close as I can be) woman I need to have some time for me. This was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I finally understand that I need "me time" to be a happy and wonderful mother. Although my "me time" moments are short and sparse I still need them. I like to stamp, make cards and plan events. I like to bake and cook without the help of little hands. I also like to knit and blog. I don't usually offer to do things unless I truly want to, so if I get annoyed or overwhelmed, so be it. That is life, but by no means does this person get to tell me to slow down, start delegating and not taking on too much. I am saying all this, not because I need to justify myself, but because I am utterly pissed off. This person apparently does not know me or my children. My husband and I choose to live in poverty, income wise, to that I don't have to work because being a mom that is active in our children's lives is the most important thing to us.

Back to School

The boys went back to school today after having 2 weeks off. I always look forward to school vacations, I get excited to have the boys home to do "fun" stuff. But by the end of every vacation I can't wait for them to go back to school. I get sick of the bickering and constant need for me to entertain them. Since they started school it seems they need my one on one attention more than ever. Griffin (the middle child) has always been great about playing on his own. This past vacation it was at me to play trucks, cards, games, or color. Ryan has always been that way but now it was "You played with Griffin its my turn". My God, they even fight over my attention. That is so new, I have never dealt with that so much as I had in these two weeks. Anyway, they are back in school, which means I am back to running around, but my mornings are quiet. As long as Zachy is happy.

Play dates

It is funny how calm everything seems after having play dates. Today we had a friend for Ryan and a friend for Griffin come over. They all were very good and for the most part everyone got along great. Now the friends are gone and it is very quiet. We have a lot of fun with friends over, and I don't have to entertain all day. My boys have a hard time staying by themselves at a friends house. I am not sure if I did something wrong, maybe a little attachment issue I have caused. They are more than happy to have friends here, and get a little sad when it is stated that they are going to the friends house. Ryan has gotten better but Griffin just is not up to it. They love going to family members houses, but anywhere else it becomes and issue.

As I sit here a look at them, the look like little angels. They are sleepy from playing nonstop with their friends. Quietly watching Cailou. Just as sweet as can be!!

Heart wrenching

I sat up last night and this morning reading these heart wrenching blogs from families that have lost their babies. I can't even image the pain these families are going though. The babies had such birth defects that they could not survive outside of the womb. But these amazing moms carried their babies as long as they could and gave birth, to hold them for a few precious moments before the babies would pass away. I am in awe of just how amazing and strong these women are. One thing they all had in common was this tremendous faith in god and his plan. I am so envious. I just don't have this "faith" in god's plan. These amazing women and their families find comfort in their faith and seem at such peace. I had a miscarriage between Griffin and Zachy. It was the hardest, most painful (mentally, physically, emotionally) thing that I have ever been though. I was just 12 weeks along but had seen the baby on the ultrasound (just a little "Speck") and saw the little flicker of its heart. As I have said to my husband at each pregnancy "Even if this baby never comes out of me. I am still its mother". I had already become "attached" to this baby. I had talked to it, tried to come up the names for it and really was in love with the little one. I tend to think more scientifically at things rather than thinking of gods plan. I understood that something wasn't right with the pregnancy and it was my body making the decision to end the pregnancy, but that didn't make it any easier. After losing the baby, I was a wreck. I just couldn't get it together. My days were just a haze of going though the motions to get the kids fed, bathed and bed. I cried all the time, I barely talked to anyone. The heartache was unbearable. My chest and breast ached at the thought of the baby. There was this huge emptiness. Nothing could fill it. No one made the hurt less. If I had the faith these mothers have maybe I could have healed quicker. Maybe it would have been somewhat easier (for a lack of a better word). I still think of the little baby that I lost. I my own mind I call him/her Speck. That was what we had referred to it after the ultrasound. When I think about the baby I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. I understand how awkward it is for people to hear about a loss of a baby and Jonny just doesn't understand the depth of my loss. He just didn't have the connection to the baby think I did. My loss was a miscarriage. The fetus didn't really look like a baby, but these women held their dying babies in their arms, at their chests, with their husbands and family. I really cannot put in to words my admiration of these women.
After my miscarriage we were blessed with Zachy. He doesn't take the place of the baby we lost, but he fills the hole just a little and gives us true joy everyday. I am thankful for the wonderful blessings that my 3 boys are. I hope that the families I have read about find a way to heal.